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A Christmas Story Julie Gephart   DVD   24 December 2003 I love this movie like nobody's business. It's one long laugh from start to finish.

A Knight's Tale Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   11 March 2003 Horses, fighting, dancing - what could be better? Only a movie featuring TV's Best Husband Wash and, as my boss insisted much to my amusement, "Lisa Bonet."

Adam's Rib Julie Gephart   Canadian cable, eh   16 May 2004 Hebpurn and Tracy are lawyers debating that age old question, “If your husband is a cheater and a beater, should you really have to go to jail for shooting off his ear?”

Amazons and Gladiators Julie Gephart   Basic cable   04 January 2004 On a scale of 1 to10, I’d have to rate this… THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. Only the subject matter of oppressed peoples rebelling against Rome was enough to drag me in. By the end I was literally rolling from side to side on the couch, just trying to escape the pain of the remaining dialogue. IMDb informs me that the lead Amazon has played roles in the past ranging from “Fantasy Girl” to “Pretty Girl” to “Sorority Girl” to “Bikini Girl” until she reached her proudest role, “Alien Jumpsuit Chick #2.”

Angel and the Badman Julie Gephart   Basic cable   27 June 2003 Two John Wayne movies now, and two fairly pleasant viewing experiences. I guess I’ve been missing out on an important piece of culture all of these years. I nearly didn’t make it past the third minute of this movie, where I spent almost ten minutes rewinding and laughing and rewinding and laughing at the most hilariously ridiculous character introduction I have ever seen. I can't even capture it in words.

Anna Karenina (1997) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   15 March 2003 One thing you probably didn't know about this classic story is that all the Russians talked to each other in English, some with French accents. Blah blah obsessive love at first sight for no apparent reason, hail the goodness of nature, big dresses, etc. Sophie Marceau has some rather arresting eyes.

Arabesque Julie Gephart   Basic cable   04 July 2003 Overly witty spy thriller brought back pleasant memories of the old Mission Impossible TV series. Tip: If you’re ever a spy looking for a place to hide, try Sophia Loren’s shower. You won’t be sorry.

Attila (TV) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   26 October 2003 I don’t care if it was historically accurate – any movie that gives me a chance to raise my sword and shout “TAKE THE VILLAGE!” is a winner in my book. Add a very attractive cast, bloody swordfights, and a Borg queen ruling Rome, and it’s an instant classic, well worth the four hour time investment. One pet peeve: why is it that eyes seem to be invisible to casting directors? A child with dark brown eyes is just not going to grow up into a man with light blue eyes, no matter how much you ask me to believe they’re the same person. Plus, a blue-eyed Hun? Ok, pet peeve over. TAKE THE VILLAGE!

Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever Julie Gephart   Theater   06 October 2002 This movie was not nearly so bad as I was expecting from the reviews. Sure, the plot was silly and extremely poorly edited, but the action suited me fine. And by "the action," I of course mean "Lucy Liu, Killing Machine" and not "all those irrelevant explosions and car chases."

Basic Instinct Julie Gephart   DVD   28 November 2003 A Hitchcock movie with nudity – what more could you ask from a cinematic experience? This time I watched it with the director’s commentary track and got schooled on the finer points of lighting.

Battlestar Galactica (2003) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   10 December 2003 During the first half, I was ready to give it rave reviews – beautifully shot, strong characters, gripping story. During the second half, I was watching the clock and waiting for it to be over. How it fell apart so completely is still a mystery to me, except maybe that all of the human drama was in the first half.

Bedazzled Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   21 January 2003 Can you even comprehend the stunning beauty that is Elizabeth Hurley? CAN YOU? I'm surprised Brendan Fraser could even stand in the same room with her for some of these scenes, much less manage to deliver any lines. I would recommend watching this movie without sound in order to spare yourself from the entirely stupid plot of geek-selling-soul-to-devil.

Best in Show Julie Gephart   Basic cable   11 November 2003 I think I got set up by overinflated expectations due to all the rave reviews. I did not find this movie hilarious, but it was pleasant, and I grinned a great deal.

Better Than Chocolate Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   09 February 2003 Story of a young girl trying to manage the clash between her new artistic hippie lesbian subculture and her depressed, sexually repressed mom who moves in with her after a divorce. Also, it was a terrible, stupid movie.

Blacktop Julie Gephart   Mysteriously Free HBO   18 January 2003 Bad movie starring MeatLoaf as a psycho trucker who kidnaps Kristin Davis and leads her boyfriend, Bucky the Human Chipmunk, on a long chase to get her back. This had the kind of really bad writing or editing that made me spend most of it going "Wha..? But didn't they just...? So can't she...? But why would he...? Isn't that the...?"

Blue Sky Julie Gephart   Mysteriously Free HBO   15 February 2003 Has Jessica Lange ever done a movie where her character was not spiraling further and further out of control on a path of self-destruction? With some Jessica Lange, Tommy Lee Jones, and even a young Chris O'Donnell, you can't have an entirely unpleasant viewing experience.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula Julie Gephart   Basic cable   22 November 2003 The plot was ok, the dialog was bad, but mainly this movie was a visual feast from beginning to end. I guess maybe there’s something to be said for famous directors after all.

Bringing Down the House Julie Gephart   Airplane   01 August 2003 Thank you, United Airlines, for providing free headsets on your flights. It is the least you could do after all of the misery you caused me. I love Queen Latifah, and I laughed at this movie, and I’m not ashamed. It was badly written and predictable, but the physical comedy was excellent.

Bringing Up Baby Julie Gephart   Basic cable   15 November 2003 The combination of Katharine Hepburn and a pet leopard seemed like a sure-fire winner, but… not so much. I’m just not a fan of this type of slapstick, everything-goes-wrong comedy.

Caddie Woodlawn Julie Gephart   Mysteriously Free HBO   07 March 2003 A hundred times better than Pippi Longstocking, but I think from now on I had better stick with just reading the childhood classics. Jolly Uncle Edmond was transformed into a goofy boob played by Parker Stevenson, and good old Robert Ireton was reduced to nothing more than a rabid pit bull whose only character trait seemed to be that he really, really, really wanted to kill some Injuns.

Children of the Corn: Revelation Julie Gephart   Rental   12 October 2002 Watched in honor of having gone through a corn maze earlier in the day. Instead of fear, it prompted a great deal of "What?" with a little "huh?" on the side. I still have no idea if the corn itself was somehow evil, or why there was blood in it, or what, in fact, was happening to the various dead people, some of whom seemed to emerge again as children and some of whom did not. Maybe I needed to see the first movie in order to understand this one.

Cinderella Liberty Julie Gephart   Basic cable   26 June 2004 “I happen to be one of those incurable romantics. Every time I meet a girl, I expect to hear a clap of thunder. I never heard the thunder, but occasionally I did get the clap.” James Caan is a Navy sailor looking for love in all the wrong places (Seattle).

Cleopatra (1963) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   09 May 2004 Five hours long, and there weren't even any elves.

Conan the Barbarian Julie Gephart   Basic cable   31 May 2003 Laugh if you must, but I stand by it as a good movie. And no, I'm not just distracted by all the shiny muscles.

Cyborg 2 Julie Gephart   Basic cable   01 November 2003 Haiku review: See young teen robot / Angelina Jolie and / teeth of Jack Palance.

Dances With Wolves Julie Gephart   Basic cable   14 November 2003 I thought I could overcome my Kevin Costner revulsion enough to enjoy this movie, but it didn’t go so well. Clearly if the guy had eyes, he would have shacked up with the super-hot Wind in His Hair instead of puffhead Mary McDonnell. How on earth they thought they could get away with giving her Van Halen hair when the rest of the tribe had clearly mastered the process of combing and braiding is beyond me, but I found it very disturbing.

Darkdrive Julie Gephart   Basic cable   09 December 2002 Incomprehensible movie notable only for the fact that it held prisoners in a virtual reality world called "The Matrix" a full three years before the arrival of The Matrix. I couldn't make any sense of the plot, and sadly, I think that had very little to do with the fact that I watched a lot of it on fast forward.

Deep Blue Sea Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 August 2003 Big scary sharks and LL Cool J. All the makings of a fine cinematic experience.

Demolition Man Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 November 2002 Wesley Snipes is a crazy killer who escapes cryo-freeze into a peaceful future full of naive dimwits. Unable to deal, dimwits decide to unfreeze his crazy cop nemesis (Stallone) so that he can be sure to blow up the few buildings Snipes missed. The thing is, these guys were frozen for THIRTY YEARS. All of the dimwits call them Neanderthals and can't begin to understand anything about this mysterious "20th century" from which they come. Thirty years ago. Yeah, I don't get it either. Still, it's a passable enough entry in the testosteraction genre, and Sandra Bullock manages to sparkle even as a dimwit.

Desk Set Julie Gephart   Basic cable   14 September 2003 It’s not that I plan for every movie that I watch for the rest of my life to be a Hepburn/Tracy film, but once you set TiVo on the case, there’s no going back. This one captured a delightful slice of time when business was just being introduced to the wonders of “electronic brains,” and workers were facing the astonishing notion that a machine could take their desk job away. I might give body parts for the chance to work in an office as fun as the one in this movie.

Destry Rides Again Julie Gephart   Basic cable   11 January 2004 This was the most peculiar Western I’ve ever seen, entirely lacking in the machismo that usually defines the genre. Jimmy Stewart is the new sheriff in town, managing to clean up all the ruffians by telling drawling stories instead of by carrying guns. The culmination comes in a most unexpected Final Shootout scene, where the barricades are up, the air is filled with gun smoke… and out of the blue, all the women of the town come marching down the street armed with brooms and rolling pins and proceed to overwhelm and physically beat down the gang of bad guys. I guess it’s because they’d had to spend so long listening to Marlene Dietrich sing, and that could make anybody crazy.

Dr. No Julie Gephart   Basic cable   05 July 2004 So, Mr. Bond, we meet at last. I felt a little cheated, since there was not a single gadget in the whole movie. The plot culminated in Bond, James Bond creating a meltdown in a nuclear reactor that caused the whole plant to explode. Yes, on purpose. No, I don’t understand. Maybe he sprayed down the whole area with a special MI6 Radiation-B-Gone product when I wasn’t looking.

Dude, Where's My Car Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   05 January 2003 Ok, it was bad. You know going into it that it's going to be bad, and yet it can still surprise you with how bad it is. That's a special movie. It still made me laugh here and there, because man, I just really kind of love that Big Dumb Ashton Kutcher.

Election Julie Gephart   Basic cable   11 July 2003 Entertaining throughout. Funny but still intelligent.

Enemy of the State Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 June 2004 If only the real John Ashcroft would slip up badly enough to be taken down by a Will Smith character… but the evil megalomaniacs never seem to lose in real life, now do they?

Fantastic Voyage Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 November 2003 Aside from the sight of Raquel Welch in a wetsuit, this was pretty much an excruciating two-hour version of the two-minute Body Wars ride at Disney World. Sadly, not once did I feel inclined to shout “woo!” and grip the arms of my chair.

Femme Fatale Julie Gephart   DVD   31 March 2003 Le movie is, how you say, sucky. Is much bad actress. Is much confusing plot. Is much fake accent de Francais. Somehow, though, after watching the DVD commentary, I was left with the impression that it was a much better movie, so it gets a 5.

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   13 March 2003 I was completely fascinated by the animation, and that took me a long way, but I hated the story. This movie was the closest thing to reading a science-fiction novel that I've seen, but mystical life forces are not really my thing. By the end, I was just clinging to the tenet "Blue=Good" in lieu of being able to follow the particulars. "Of course the earth's spirit is shooting a giant energy beam into space, because... heck, I don't know, but it's blue! Good beam! Blooo gooood! Happy triumph yay! Please let this be over soon."

Final Verdict Julie Gephart   Basic cable   19 June 2003 The description was "A 1900s lawyer travels with his tomboy daughter." The movie was... unfortunately not. Rather, it was the story of a precociously self-righteous little girl who had what I'd call a psychotic obsession with her father. Not only would she trail him all over town as he attempted to do his job, but when he would try to dislodge the obnoxious little tick, she'd sneak after him anyway, lurking in hallways to spy on his every conversation, the better to ensure that he was meeting her high moral standards. She even got up repeatedly in the middle of the night to check out what he was doing. Dude, there's a word for your kid, and that word is "stalker."

Flashdance Julie Gephart   Basic cable   09 October 2003 From the E! True Hollywood Story, I learned that the final casting decision was made by showing audition tapes to a collection of 50 teamsters, gaffers, and other assorted Manly Men from the studio lot. They voted they’d rather sleep with Jennifer Beals than Demi Moore, and that was that. I think of this as proof that Jerry Bruckheimer was Jerry Bruckheimer even before he was Jerry Bruckheimer.

Fled Julie Gephart   Basic cable   11 April 2004 A boring, stupid movie full of Stephen Baldwin’s ugly mug. It gets one point for Laurence Fishburne and Salma Hayek kissing, and one more point for at least attempting an in-joke about Fishburne playing Ike Turner.

Follow the River Julie Gephart   Basic cable   24 January 2004 It’s not like I am a big fan of savagery, but come on! This was the lamest movie ever. Women get kidnapped by a band of Indians, and… nothing bad happens. They aren’t hurt in any way, and they just go on living peaceful lives in the Shawnee village. When they decide to escape, they just walk away and go home, and nobody chases them. Nothing bad! Ever! Well, I guess Renee O’Conner disappears, but she was a whiny loser anyway.

Fools Rush In Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   22 February 2003 Another movie a la Greek Wedding in which Rich White Guy learns that he has absolutely no culture of his own and that everything from his background is Wrong and Bad. Since he is a good person, he recognizes this and abandons his lifestyle completely to immerse himself in the wholly Good if sometimes amusing culture of his wife. Now, I know Whitey is evil and repressive of other cultures; really, I do. But this is a marriage. Could there not be even one thing that he brings to the mix? One thing from his life - one hobby, one piece of music, one bit of food - that his wife enjoys and adopts for herself?

Free Enterprise Julie Gephart   Basic cable   12 October 2003 I ran across this on live television and somehow got stuck. I watched COMMERCIALS for this, people!

Garden of Evil Julie Gephart   Basic cable   24 January 2004 Gary Cooper, Susan Hayward. This was a cowboy movie, probably pretty much like any other cowboy movie. It had some good scenery.

Get Over It Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   15 March 2003 Not the best teen comedy ever, but not the worst. Starring the very likable Ben Foster, who I've never seen in anything else, and the ubiquitous Kirsten Dunst. This movie featured some mangled Shakespeare, some singing, some dancing, some Carmen Electra dominatrix-being, and more than one performance by Sisqo.

Gia Julie Gephart   Internet download   01 May 2004 I avoided this movie for years because I’m not super keen on being along for the ride as people destroy themselves. However, after watching the E! True Hollywood Story, I felt I was as braced as I would ever be. Strangely enough, the True Hollywood Story turned out to be far more depressing than the movie.

Girlfight Julie Gephart   VHS Rental   09 November 2002 Shockingly, an Indie film that I really liked. More or less your classic boxing movie, so the "8" rating is all about my enjoyment rather than the script . Michelle Rodriguez is so cool she almost tempts me to see Blue Crush.

Gone in Sixty Seconds Julie Gephart   Basic cable   16 February 2003 I hate Nicolas Cage. I hate car chases. I hate movies about dirty thugs engaging in car chases. The fact that I watched this movie at all can only be a measure of my dedication to Angelina Jolie.

Gosford Park Julie Gephart   VHS Rental   10 November 2002 I'm sure this was really an excellent film Oscar blah blah blah. Nevertheless, it gets a 4 from me because after two and a half hours, I still couldn't tell most of the characters apart. I also found it unsatisfying that its "central plot" only took up a few scenes that seemed no more important than any other random scenes from the movie.

Harry and the Hendersons Julie Gephart   Basic cable   22 April 2004 Another one spit out on the “Award Winners” list from TiVo, although this one was just for makeup. It was a bad movie. However, it was filmed around Seattle, so I got to glory for a while in the wonderful spot where I live, and that never hurts. Also – the dad? Annoying alien John Lithgow. The mom? Ralphie’s mom from “A Christmas Story.” The boy? Scary creepy Billy Mahoney from Flatliners. The evil hunter? Hercule Poirot. And finally, revealed to me courtesy of imdb, Harry was none other than both the Predator and also the super tall doctor from one of my favorite childhood shows, Misfits of Science. If you want to watch a bunch of actors that you recognize doing stupid things in beautiful scenery, then this is just the movie for you.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Julie Gephart   Borrowed DVD   01 July 2003 In a miraculous turn of events, I was not incredibly annoyed by the CGI character Dobby. This prompts me to tentatively reconsider watching the Hulk. As a side note, this DVD had the most extra features of any DVD I have personally encountered.

Heaven Can Wait (1943) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 April 2004 I believe Waylon said it best when he said, “She never complains of the bad times or the bad things he’s done. She just talks about the good times they’ve had and all the good times to come.” Here, Gene Tierney was the Good Hearted Woman in love with Don Ameche’s Good Timin’ Man, and, ok, she briefly tried to leave him once, but mostly she just accepted his playboy ways and constant lies as part of his “charm.” The story was told through the somewhat superfluous filter of reviewing his deeds at the gates of hell after death, where Satan finally proclaimed that he didn’t deserve to be in hell because he had “made a great many women very happy.” So, there you go. Now you know the correct strategy for moral navigation in life.

Heavenly Creatures Julie Gephart   Mysteriously Free HBO   14 February 2003 Wow. What a thoroughly... disturbing movie. Young teen girls in New Zealand live inside their own fantasy world and calmly plan a murder. Directed by champion of NZ Peter Jackson.

Heist Julie Gephart   DVD Rental   16 November 2002 This would have been an interesting enough short film, but as it was, I found the pacing to be excruciatingly slow. How many times can I watch Gene Hackman put on a different uniform... and belt... and hat... and toolkit... and pick up his coffee... all at exactly the pace that an old man would move in real life.

High Fidelity Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 July 2004 Long have the women of my tribe gathered around winter fires to make tellings of the Coo-sak. How glad it is to look upon him, how pleasant to hear his speech! So say they all, the women of my tribe, with one voice. Unto me alone does the bright Coo-sak appear dim of countenance, shielding the glory that he chooses to shine forth upon all others. These mysteries are unknowable to me.

High Noon Julie Gephart   Basic cable   19 July 2003 The cowboy part was great, but this had the strangest "romantic" non-chemistry that I've ever seen. Gary Cooper generally managed to give the impression that he had forgotten Grace Kelly was even in the room -- even while delivering dialog to her -- at their wedding.

Hijacked: Flight 285 Julie Gephart   Basic cable   21 February 2003 Xena's nemesis Callisto disguises herself as a modern-day woman who helps hijack an airplane. Being the female, she goes through some qualms of conscience feeling sorry for the "cute" (obnoxious) kid who had the seat next to her, but in the end she stays strong in her evil ways.

Houseboat Julie Gephart   Basic cable   24 June 2003 This was a wonderful movie. I’m so glad I finally stumbled across one during my long trek through the barren land of basic cable. Cary Grant, Sophia Loren, three adorable children, and a fixer-upper houseboat – winners all the way. Unfortunately, I suppose it was a romantic comedy, but I don’t care – I liked it anyway. It was charming and witty and sensitive and everyone was beautiful, and that’s really all I could want from a movie. (Well, you know, at least all I could want if I’m taking a break from graphic bloodshed and jaw-dropping fight scenes.)

How to Marry a Millionaire Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 December 2003 Lauren Bacall, Marilyn Monroe, and Betty Grable conspire to live for a year in a penthouse they can’t afford in order to meet millionaires and lure them into marriage. After all, as the stupid people are earnestly informed, “Marriage, well its… it’s just the biggest thing you can do in life!” Dudes, just don’t let Marie Curie hear you talking like that. Soon they are all worn down by pesky old love and end up marrying men who are not rich. In conclusion, we learn that love is more important than money, but marriage is still the biggest thing of all.

Imitation of Life Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 April 2004 Lana Turner totally falls in love with her maid, except somehow the movie keeps pretending instead that she’s in love with Handsome Jerk, who repeatedly sulks off when she has the nerve to have career success. Actually a surprisingly thought-provoking movie for 1959 Hollywood, as it is largely about the black maid’s daughter who appears white and constantly struggles to disassociate herself from her mother.

Indiscreet Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 July 2003 This may be the very first truly grown-up romance I’ve ever seen on film, and I didn’t even realize I was missing such a thing until I saw it. It was a lovely and delightful movie until Cary Grant turned out to be a cad, which just goes to prove I should have trusted my instincts all along. Nobody with that crazy fake accent could be an honest man.

Introducing Dorothy Dandridge Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   25 March 2003 Halle Berry portrays the singer and actress who was the first black woman nominated for a Best Actress Academy Award. Naturally, she self-destructs, because otherwise she'd just be a regular old important actress, and who would bother to make a movie about that?

It Started in Naples Julie Gephart   Basic cable   21 February 2004 Fairly ridiculous movie starring a fat and grumpy Clark Gable arguing with Sophia Loren over the custody of an adorable little Italian boy. If it teaches us one thing, it’s how much Italians hate the rich Americanos.

It's a Wonderful Life Julie Gephart   VHS   25 December 2003 Every year I dread the fact that my brother is going to make us watch this, and every year I end up enjoying it.

Jane Austen's Emma (1997) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   25 July 2003 If you had told me halfway through that I would actually like Emma by the end, I would not have believed it possible. Therefore, I can only conclude that some sort of hypnosis was at work during the second half of the movie. Thankfully, this was not the version with Gwyneth Paltrow, or I'm sure no amount of hypnosis could have saved her.

Jaws Julie Gephart   Basic cable   20 March 2004 I thought I'd be laughing at this movie after 20 years, but I was wrong. It was still a really good and genuinely scary movie.

Joan of Arc (1948) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   10 June 2003 Choose the best answer: This movie taught us that... a) the only sure way to win a war is to stop your soldiers from playing with dice, or b) men will follow Ingrid Bergman anywhere.

John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars Julie Gephart   Mysteriously Free HBO   08 April 2003 If you want to see thumbs sliced off, fingers sliced off, arms sliced off, legs sliced off, and Pam Grier's head on a stake, then this is the movie for you! It was a typical dumb action/horror movie, but I thought it was pretty fun. Had I known that it contained a bona fide Female Action Hero, I certainly would have watched it long ago, no matter how bad it was.

Joy Ride Julie Gephart   DVD Rental   16 November 2002 This film was fine and average for what it aimed to be, which was a brainless scary movie. It certainly wasn't the most scary movie ever, and I did have to put up with looking at the loathsome Leelee Sobieski, but there were some witty lines and a scary trucker, and that's good enough.

Jumanji Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 August 2003 TiVo thought it was recording another movie, and by the time I realized what this was, it was too late - I had already been sucked in by precious little Kirsten Dunst in her little braids and overalls. And speaking of sucking, the movie... well, I'll try to be charitable and just say it was made for kids.

Jurassic Park Julie Gephart   Basic cable   22 May 2004 Out of the whole cast, couldn’t they give me even ONE attractive person to look at? When they couldn’t even swing cute kids, I knew this was not the movie for me. Hilarious geek moment: When the little “I prefer the term ‘hacker’” girl runs up to a computer displaying a 3D map of the park and declares, “This is a UNIX system! I know this!” Yes, she executes that classic UNIX maneuver of pointing to the right building on the map and clicking on it. Good thing she was along, because you never know how long it could have taken those other bone heads to figure it out. “Well, this… looks… like the park… but everything is so… small… Do we have to… shrink?... to get in there?”

Kill Bill: Volume One Julie Gephart   DVD rental   07 July 2004 Once we got to Japan, this had to be the most beautiful violence I’ve ever seen. However, it was not one of my better ideas to watch during dinner.

King Kong (1976) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   20 July 2003 It’s all about the Jessica Lange, even when she’s playing a bimbo. Ok, maybe especially when she’s playing a bimbo.

Kiss of the Dragon Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   25 January 2003 Jet Li is a cop from Beijing working to bust a dirty cop in Paris. I'm here to tell you that if you want to be a dirty cop, Paris is apparently your city - you can just open-fire into crowds, blow things up, beat up suspects in public, and the polite French public will simply ignore you.

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider Julie Gephart   Mysteriously Free HBO   05 April 2003 I got my crashing disappointment out of the way when this movie was first released, so on the rewatch I was able to let the "plot" slide past and enjoy the fantastic sets and good action scenes. The bungee scene is one of the most inventive fights I've seen in a long time.

Laura Julie Gephart   Basic cable   18 July 2003 Classic murder mystery in which the police detective manages to fall in love with the victim inside of two days, based on reading her letters and staring morosely at her portrait while downing scotch. Then again, the victim was the luminous Gene Tierney, so I guess I can't blame him too much.

Let it Be Me Julie Gephart   Basic cable   05 June 2004 Dancing Guy is in love with Yancy Butler, who is in love with Campbell Scott, who is in love with Jennifer Beals, who is in love with Dancing Guy. Meanwhile, Patrick Stewart (with hair, ew) serves food to Katharine Houghton and buys perfume from Heather Graham, and everybody dances. A lot. I love a good dancing movie.

Let's Make Love Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 December 2003 Billionaire playboy learns he is to be one of the celebrities lampooned in an upcoming satire play, so he heads to the theater during rehearsal to check it out. There he finds himself in a casting call full of celebrity impersonators, and he is selected to play the part of himself -- to which he agrees because he's become instantly smitten with the star, Marilyn Monroe. Then he proceeds to hire Milton Berle to teach him comedy, Bing Crosby for singing, and Gene Kelly for dancing, and the movie becomes a bizarre Hollywood insider love-fest. Eventually he succeeds in his goal of making Marilyn fall in love with him even though he's a "poor actor." I hope I didn't ruin the ending for anyone.

Life is Beautiful Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 November 2003 I was expecting it to be good but depressing, so I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was just good. It contained both an adorable child and a kitten.

Lilo and Stitch Julie Gephart   Basic cable   10 October 2003 I must be the only person in the world who doesn't think bratty kids are cute. Still, the movie got better as it went along.

Meet the Parents Julie Gephart   Basic cable   22 December 2003 As I’ve said, I’m not too fond of the screwball comedies where everything goes wrong. At least no real harm came to the cat.

Men in Black Julie Gephart   Basic cable   20 March 2004 I’d almost forgotten what a fun movie this was. Clunky in places, but really a clever idea.

Millenium Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   24 March 2003 Classic! When my dad is in town, that means we have to watch a movie starring a former Charlie's Angel. This gem has Cheryl Ladd as a time traveler from a thousand years in the future who comes back in time to prevent Kris Kristofferson from discovering some technology she left behind during a mission. The best part is that, when she has screwed something up in the past, the result is a "time quake" in the future, wherein the camera shakes around a little. "Time Quake!" everyone yells, as they hang on to something.

Miss Congeniality Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   06 January 2003 More fun after we got out of bumbling cop-world and into pageant-world. There were typically lame and stilted moments like in every Big Comedy, but there were fun parts too. If I have to watch a comedy, I'm all for Sandra Bullock being in it.

Monkey Business Julie Gephart   Basic cable   24 July 2003 I should have been warned off by ABennett, but I had to try it for myself, and I was mightily bored. I never did see the Meg Ryan connection, and I am slowly developing a huge dislike for Cary Grant based on that stupid affected accent of the type some people tend to use in old movies. That is not a real accent from anywhere! Just stop it!

Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 May 2003 Yes, it was another one of THOSE movies. You know, the kind where you go in thinking, "This was an interesting woman. I could stand to know more about her." And then two and a half hours later, you are so depressed that you can barely muster the will to stand up? Yeah, one of those. Perhaps someday Kristin can write me a treatise entitled "Why some people actually enjoy depressing movies," because I just don't get it.

My Brilliant Career Julie Gephart   Basic cable   27 November 2003 A farmer’s daughter in Australia bemoans the fact that not only is she poor, but she is also ugly, and nobody will ever love her. Then she goes to live with some rich relations, where she falls in love with a handsome rich man who also falls in love with her and proposes marriage. Needless to say, this makes her… still very unhappy? She spent the whole movie trying to make sure this man fell in love with her, only to then confess that she never wanted to get married because somehow that would prevent her from being a writer. Whatever. I’ve often mocked movies that represent “ugly girl” as “obviously attractive girl in some bad hair and glasses,” but now I’ve come to understand how that device is preferable to the discomfort of watching a genuinely ugly actress get told over and over again how ugly she is.

New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   01 February 2003 I really loved this book as a kid. The movie, however, sucked so much that I think it created a vortex in the corner of my living room.

Newsies Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   02 February 2003 I was thinking of an entirely different movie when I recorded this, and I certainly was not expecting nubile young dancing boys in a musical. Anyway, this truish story was about newspaper delivery boys who went on strike in old New York and started a mini-revolution in child labor industries.

No Highway in the Sky Julie Gephart   Basic cable   24 July 2004 I liked at least the first part of this so much that I can’t even mock it. Jimmy Stewart is an obsessed scientist, stereotypically removed from people and emotions and Real Life. He’s developed a theory that the newest airplane model will develop fatal stress fractures after a certain number of hours in flight, and his detached fascination with the idea gets a human jolt upon discovery that his trans-Atlantic flight is an early prototype of that model, rapidly approaching the critical point in his theory.

Not Another Teen Movie Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   19 March 2003 This was a really stupid movie with a couple of funny moments and what I considered to be a shocking amount of nudity. Does this mean I've become an Old Prude already?

O Julie Gephart   HBO leftover on VHS   29 November 2003 The story of Othello, played out in a prep school basketball team. Even though it starred the usual teen movie stars, it didn’t feel like a teen movie, which was a good thing.

One Christmas Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 December 2003 Little country boy in the 1930’s goes to visit his big-city con artist father over Christmas. Everyone in this movie was horrible, and I could only wish for roving gangs of street thugs to come along and beat the snot out of anyone any time they left the house.

Pat and Mike Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 August 2003 My second outing with Hepburn and Tracy, and this time it was all about sports instead of politics. Hepburn plays a mean game of golf, but let’s be honest – nobody’s anxious to see a play-by-play of all 18 holes. Still, this movie earns some extra points for presenting a woman in a shockingly advanced light for that era.

Pirates of the Caribbean Julie Gephart   Airplane   19 December 2003 I’m not cool enough to call it “The Pirate Movie,” especially since I didn’t pay to watch it. United Airlines thought to distract us from the fact that we were sitting on the runway for an hour by starting the movie, and it sort of worked. The movie was fun, but it probably lost a little something on the five-inch screen.

Planet of the Apes (2001) Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   01 January 2003 It gets two points exclusively for makeup, because this was a film I truly and actively hated from start to finish. I never saw the original, so I don't know how much of the horrendous plot and characterization was inherited and how much was new to this version. I may have shouted insults at the television more than once, all alone in my apartment.

Platoon Julie Gephart   Basic cable   09 December 2003 Starring: 90% of all male actors who were alive 1986, from Johnny Depp to Tony Todd. Not that you would know, since every scene consisted of a big bunch of men dressed all alike in the dark with their faces blackened. Me watching this movie: “Is that one Charlie Sheen? Hey, did he get shot? Wait, is that Charlie Sheen? Which one is that? Now who is this guy? Hey, who just got blown up? Who’s in the bushes! Was that Charlie Sheen?”

Playing by Heart Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 January 2004 This has the honor of being the only movie I ever saw with Kristin, long ago in the theater. It starred… everybody. No, really, every star in Hollywood. Yes, him. Yes, and him too. Yep. Yep. Uh huh, her too.

Prancer Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 December 2003 Christmas movie starring an ugly, ugly kid, and that’s all it takes to make me hate it.

Praying Mantis Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   14 January 2003 Unintentionally hilarious 1991 movie starring Jane Seymour In Bad Wigs. BadWigJane lures men into marriage and then kills them on their wedding night because she has daddy issues or something. The best part was when Dr. Quinn costar Chad Allen demonstrated that apparently his cuteness alone was enough to allow him to shrug off the poison that had killed so many others, or at least that's the most plausible explanation I could come up with. You never see Chad Allen around anymore, and more's the pity, I say.

Prizzi's Honor Julie Gephart   Basic cable   31 March 2004 I don't as a rule enjoy mafia movies, but this one just kept showing up in TiVo's Award Winners list until I had to record it. I was delighted to find that I didn't have to take the mobsters seriously, as it turned out to be a dark comedy, and it kept me guessing about the outcome to the final moments.

Queen of the Damned Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   12 March 2003 Based on my favorite of the Anne Rice vampire novels, although the movie glossed over the most interesting parts of the book. Still, I thought it was a really engaging movie... for exactly 52 minutes, at which time it all fell apart. Kudos for someone finally casting a good vampire, though; Lestat, unlike every Dracula I've ever seen, actually managed to look beautiful and alluring while still looking scary and otherworldly.

Raiders of the Lost Ark Julie Gephart   Basic cable   29 May 2004 Things I remembered about this movie: giant rolling ball, snake pit, melting faces. Things I had forgotten: how hot Harrison Ford looked with stubble, the fact that Margot-Kidder-alike women must have been the bee’s knees at some strange point in time.

Ravager Julie Gephart   Basic cable   27 July 2003 I wondered how there could be a movie starring Yancy Butler and Juliet Landau that I had never heard of, and now I know the answer. Some things should really remain buried. Note to movie producers: if you’re going to make a movie wherein you have approximately $12 to spend on “special effects,” it would be preferable just to skip those scenes and instead hold up hand-lettered cards in front of the camera saying things like “Now the shuttle makes a crash landing.”

Robocop Julie Gephart   Mysteriously Free HBO leftover   01 May 2003 This genre classic contained some surprisingly good effects and some surprisingly bad ones. They seemed particularly proud of one makeup job where a man's skin melted after being dumped into toxic waste. I measure "pride" in "inordinate amount of screen time that it took for this character to die." For minutes on end, Melted Guy was moaning and waving his arms around and frightening other characters with the sheer quality of his makeup job. Just when you thought it was over, he pops up in yet another scene to receive his final death. RIP, Melted Guy.

Roman Holiday Julie Gephart   Basic cable   03 July 2003 It was a charming movie, but my real fascination came from the fact that it starred what may be the most attractive movie couple of all time. Where have Gregory Peck and his pouty lips been hiding all of this time? It’s a whole new world, the cable with AMC.

Rosemary's Baby Julie Gephart   Basic cable   21 July 2003 The thing is, people already tend to think of pregnant women as a little bit crazy. If you’re a pregnant woman being hounded by some supernatural evil, it wouldn’t kill you to put just a little effort into coming up with a good cover story. Ranting about witchcraft and conspiracies? Not so much the effective strategy. The very best part was at the end when she was staring in horror at her little cloven-hoof baby, and the idiot husband still didn’t see that he’d done anything so wrong. “We can have more kids!” He said brightly. “Think about if you had been pregnant and then lost the baby. Wouldn’t it be just the same?” THE SAME AS GIVING BIRTH TO THE SON OF SATAN WHOSE MISSION IS TO DESTROY THE WORLD. Yes, it would be exactly like that.

Scooby Doo Julie Gephart   DVD I was forced to watch   08 July 2003 I’m pretty sure this movie lasted for at least seven hours. Any movie that contains a scene consisting entirely of people farting is right off my list.

See Jane Date Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 August 2003 Charisma Carpenter, Holly Marie Combs, Linda Dano, Antonio Sabato Jr. This is the list of words that somehow caused me to agree to spend two hours being battered with the message that a thirty year old woman is an embarrassing failure if she hasn’t managed to trap herself a boyfriend.

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers Julie Gephart   Basic cable   29 November 2002 Wheee! The wimminfolk, they love to be kidnapped! Ever last one of em! It will make them dance in their underwear and wish to have your babies!

Shadow of the Vampire Julie Gephart   Mysteriously Free HBO   14 February 2003 Good times, good times. Brilliant silent film director makes a pact with an ancient vampire to star in his movie, and naturally things go wrong. Or maybe they go right. Who's to say?

Sirens Julie Gephart   Mysteriously Free HBO   14 April 2003 This quirky little movie teaches us that sensuality is not inherently evil, at least not in Australia. Baby-faced Hugh Grant and his wife get stranded at the country estate of a controversial painter and his sometimes nude models. Lots of Australian wildlife was used in ways that I'm sure were very artistic and therefore completely beyond me.

Species II Julie Gephart   Basic cable   20 June 2003 Like Terminator, the villain comes back as the hero in the sequel. Alien DNA infects an astronaut on Mars, and said astronaut comes back and has sex with lots of women, causing each to immediately start to swell until an alien baby explodes from her stomach. Now this was 1998 – 1998, people! I’m just saying, if anyone had heard of the little concept we like to call “safe sex,” there’d be fewer aliens in the world today.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 June 2004 I watched this right after the BET Top 10 video countdown so that I could transition directly from one strange new world to another. As luck would have it, the future appears to contain far more Klingons and far fewer undulating bikini girls who answer to insulting terms. I suppose it's a fair enough trade, all things considered.

State of the Union Julie Gephart   Basic cable   27 July 2003 I finally got to see the famed pairing of Hepburn & Tracy in action, but I had to put up with a whole lot of political speechifying to do so. The dialog was almost too fast to comprehend at times, which actually made for a nice change from most movies. Any woman who is being edged out of her marriage by *Angela Lansbury* has got to know she’s hit absolute rock bottom.

Summer Catch Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   14 January 2003 These free movie channels are inducing me to watch more dreck than I ever thought possible. If I am forced to listen to horrible, stupid dialogue such as no actual person would ever utter, I would at least prefer that it come in the form of smug quips just before people start kicking the crap out of each other in a kung fu showdown. "Oh, how can I be worthy of your rich girl love, when I am but a poor sniveling lawn boy?" Bad answer: "But I love you too! Allow yourself to be glorious!" Good answer: "eeeEEEEEEYAH! Oh, I'M sorry - I guess you're finding it harder to whine now with that CRUSHED WINDPIPE, eh Freddie boy? Ha ha ha ha ha." Now that would have been a decent movie.

Swordfish Julie Gephart   VHS at home   20 October 2002 Until the end, this movie was okay. Not my cup of tea, but still okay. I don't want to reveal anything, but what kind of lame movie presents a plot-point halfway through the movie and then tries to use that point as their "surprise" twist at the end? Also, I think they must need a special "forced perspective" camera to fit John Travolta's Great Big Giant Head into scenes with normal humans.

Taking Lives Julie Gephart   Actual theater in Woodinville   19 March 2004 A respectable entry if you enjoy the crime thrillers, but I was just in it for a good Angelina fix.

That Touch of Mink Julie Gephart   Basic cable   16 January 2004 I’ve tended to enjoy the old time romantic comedies much more than the modern ones, but this one was stupid and offensive from start to finish. It was so bad that it might as well have starred Jennifer Aniston. For those keeping track, I still can't stand Cary Grant.

The 6th Day Julie Gephart   Mysteriously Free HBO   08 March 2003 I love a good futuristic action movie, and I love Arnold Schwarzenegger no matter how old he gets. This movie was set in a near-future where cloning of humans was possible but banned under the "6th Day law" (from God creating man on the 6th day). They came down heavily on the side of cloning being evil, but they didn't do a very good job making their point since I was left going, "Cloning! Wow, that will be great!"

The African Queen Julie Gephart   Basic cable   08 July 2003 Eh. An Oscar for this? I don’t get it. And I don’t remember Humphrey Bogart being quite this blatantly ugly before.

The Beastmaster Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   12 January 2003 Marc Singer is an ugly weasel of a man, but I'll give him props for a fine physique back in 1982. I really need someone to pre-watch movies for me and slap "Animal Death" warning stickers on them so I can at least prepare for the trauma. Oh, and Tanya Roberts? How on earth is she STILL working? Surely there must be some other giant-bosomed woman out there who can deliver lines like she's not in a high school play.

The Bells of St. Mary’s Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 May 2004 If you are a woman and it turns out that you have tuberculosis that can be cured by resting in a dry climate, it is apparently quite acceptable for your doctor to look you in the eye and proclaim you to be in perfect health. Then your doctor will tell your boss about your condition, at which point you will be mysteriously transferred away from the job you love into a boring desk job in Arizona, and nobody will tell you why, because after all, they don’t want you to get “down hearted.”

The Butcher's Wife Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 February 2004 Demi Moore plays a folksy blonde clairvoyant with a southern accent. Really it takes the whole movie just to try to get over that much.

The Cassandra Crossing Julie Gephart   Basic cable   16 November 2003 The plague! The plague! On a train! A train! Bridge out! Legs! Sex! Suspense! Ah, the 70’s.

The Cat From Outer Space Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 February 2004 Listen, it was a movie starring a cat, and I’m not ashamed. The cat was an alien who could communicate telepathically, but still, it was a really cute little cat.

The Crow Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 June 2003 I always had this movie filed in the back of my mind as one I would enjoy, so I'm sorry to report that I did not. Something about Brandon Lee just never quite fit into the role for me, and I think it may have centered around his high, cheerful voice coming out of the body of the scary goth clown. The best thing about this movie is that it reminded me of how much I used to love hot dogs smothered in mustard and onions, although the movie cop also unfortunately added ketchup to his.

The Day After Tomorrow Julie Gephart   Actual theater in Woodinville   06 June 2004 The visuals made up for the lame writing.

The Day the Earth Stood Still Julie Gephart   Basic cable   25 April 2004 "Klaatu and his guardian robot, Gort, come from afar to warn Earth about nuclear war." Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be a serious movie that was awarded 4 stars and was apparently a sci-fi classic. Of course, we no longer have to worry about such a threat, since we've now abandoned nuclear weapons in favor of nucular weapons.

The Ghost and Mrs. Muir Julie Gephart   Basic cable   06 July 2003 I grinned and chuckled my way through most of this, thinking it was shaping up to be the best classic movie I’d found so far, but then… wham! They went and turned it into a really sad movie, without a bit of my consent or approval. Still, really high marks all around – wonderful characters, perfect setting, great music. Not in the same vein of silliness as I remember the television series to be.

The Jungle Book (1994) Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   18 February 2003 Quite possibly the perfect little movie, except for the writing and possibly the acting. Despite these minor flaws, it was full of adorable cuddly animals (that didn't die!) and precious large-eyed children, one of whom grew up into an absolutely stunning man. Also there were many majestic close-ups of a tiger, and you can't go wrong with that in my book.

The Left Hand of God Julie Gephart   Basic cable   18 November 2003 Humphrey Bogart poses as a priest in a small Chinese village to escape an evil warlord and ends up getting religion. In this movie, I learned that evil Chinese warlords are really jovial white men who can be persuaded to let you go over a game of dice, and also that “females are simple biological structures – their bodies pay very little attention to their minds.” That explains a lot, actually.

The Matrix Julie Gephart   DVD at home   16 May 2003 Taking my cue from Mike Gadd, I decided a review was in order before going to see the new movie. What is there to say about the granddaddy of all modern action films? It's all good.

The Matrix Reloaded Julie Gephart   Some theater   17 May 2003 I love a good action film, and this is undoubtedly a good action film. The philosophizing was a little longer and more obtuse than the first movie, and the action was longer and faster and more extreme. All in all, it was a movie that barely gave time to breathe, let alone reflect on what was happening. I'd say it didn't quite have the magic of the first one, but it was still a mighty fine movie in its own right.

The Mexican Julie Gephart   Mysteriously Free HBO   28 January 2003 Could it be... a Brad Pitt movie that I actually liked? This must mean all the regular Brad Pitt fans hated it, because it was actually sort of fun.

The Neverending Story Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 February 2004 Cute kid, bad special effects, and just a dash of Gerald McRaney.

The Philadelphia Story Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 July 2003 Excellent, delightful comedy full of witty repartee and a few really funny scenes. Jimmy Stewart won an Oscar for playing, as nearly as I could tell, George Bailey. I swear he even had some of the same lines. I learned an important secret when Katharine Hepburn's father explained, with nodding assent from her mother, that the reason he was having an affair was because KH had a realistic view of his faults rather than worshipping him as the ideal of male perfection. He revealed that aging men NEED! No choice! NEED! to be the center of some young woman's blind adoration, and if his daughter fails in her duty to worship him, then he simply has no other option than to go find another young woman to do it. He is the victim here, people! He has no choice! The sad thing was, I'm pretty sure that we, the audience, were supposed to be on his side during this conversation.

The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 July 2003 That darned Jessica Lange has dragged me into more depressing movies now than I can remember, and I never seem to learn. Worse, it turns out that if I had just watched this movie on DVD instead, I would have at least gotten to see some explicit sex scenes. I am cheated all around. But I did find Jack Nicholson appealing, which was a pleasant surprise. Reviews tell me the 1946 version was better, but I don't think I'll be rushing out to find it anytime soon.

The Rainmaker Julie Gephart   Basic cable   30 July 2003 This isn’t your John Grisham Rainmaker. There were some good parts, and then there was… most of the movie. The good parts were pretty much encompassed, strangely enough for me, by the comic relief – the dumb younger brother who was “six feet tall and twice as handsome,” and I tell you I was nearly ready to marry him by the end. The moment where Katharine Hepburn had the gall to answer someone’s question about geography (OUT LOUD, even) and then the whole room fell silent as everyone concluded at once that she was clearly not marriage material was the moment I paused to give thanks that I was not born any earlier than I was.

The Return of Frank James Julie Gephart   Basic cable   04 January 2004 Frank James done lit out after them cowardly scoundrels what shot Jesse in the back. Old Frank is a good boy, though, and he never did kill nobody.

The Ring Julie Gephart   DVD   18 October 2003 I was worried, because I don’t really watch scary movies anymore, but it all turned out ok. Interesting, but not too scary. It also helps to always plan to sit next to someone who is going to be way more scared than you are.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show Julie Gephart   DVD   18 October 2003 Now I’m not an expert at the child-rearing, but it did seem a little odd to me that people had their three year old daughter watching this with us. I guess It’s never too early to learn about orgies and disembowelment! This seems in theory like a movie I should enjoy, but for some reason I’ve just always really hated it.

The Searchers Julie Gephart   Basic cable   21 June 2003 John Wayne and Cute Young Guy spend many years searching for John’s niece who was kidnapped by Indians. When they finally catch up to her, John sees that she has grown enough to be married to a Comanche, and so he now hates her like he hates all Injuns and tries to kill her. Cute Young Guy protects her, but she tells him the Comanche are her people and she wants to stay with them. Then the shooting starts and they have to leave, but John still wants to go back for revenge, so they do, at which point suddenly all of the characters are dismissed and replaced by their exact mirror-universe duplicates. John suddenly decides to pick up the girl and love her instead of killing her, and the girl is suddenly thrilled to see them and go home with them, forgetting all about her beloved people who are busy getting massacred. So she goes to live in the now mysteriously nurturing home of a woman who had previously said, and I quote, “Bring her back?! Bring back what? The leavings of some buck?” And they all live happily ever after in their crazy state of character amnesia.

The Sword and the Sorcerer Julie Gephart   Basic cable   09 August 2003 It turns out that picking a movie because you sort of remember enjoying a TV show with Lee Horsley a long time ago is not always the best strategy. In this movie, Lee was crucified with nails through his hands, and then he pulled the nails out and proceeded to use those same hands to wield a giant sword with no apparent injury at all – magic! Or really bad editing. In the requisite scene with the girl and the giant snake, we got not one but two separate lingering close-ups of the snake writhing between her thighs, which we all know is the mark of a truly artistic director. “Dear Mr. Director, Your work with subtle and nuanced visual metaphor is outstanding, but don’t you think you ought to make your images just a touch more accessible to the common viewer? Also, I was thinking that if the woman could just make a SEVENTH jibe about some man’s sword being too small to serve her, then maybe I’d be able to put my finger on the veiled meaning she was attempting to convey. Your biggest fan, I. Hate You”

The Virgin Suicides Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   05 January 2003 Five teenaged sisters commit suicide. This film starts out by telling you the ending, and eventually the ending comes, but nothing in the middle does anything to explain it. I didn't expect pat answers, but some occasional insight into the characters' states of mind would have been nice. Still, it kept me interested along the way, even if it didn't add up to a satisfying whole.

The Wedding Planner Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   14 March 2003 It's hardly worth writing a comment about a romantic comedy, since every single one of them is exactly the same with different actors.

The Wood Julie Gephart   USA cable   10 September 2002 A scary, scary look into the pack life of young men. It's a place I would rather not visit again, even if the men are as pretty as Taye Diggs. Speaking of which, I hear I missed some impressive nudity by watching this on cable.

This Can’t Be Love Julie Gephart   Basic cable   27 November 2003 This may have been a TV movie, but I’d just like to remain in denial about the thought of Katharine Hepburn doing a TV movie. Two curmudgeonly old Hollywood stars rekindle a romance after 50 years of hating each other, and Jason Bateman is there to grin impishly in the background.

Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life Julie Gephart   DVD Rental   04 July 2004 They had me convinced that this movie was going to be much, much better than the first one. Unfortunately, the action was not as great, but that loss was at least partially balanced by the removal of the weepy father story and the insertion of a love scene. Oh, and the ridiculous Big Fake Breasts that starred in the first movie were also gone, so there’s another improvement. Wait, and the male co-star this time was actually somewhat appealing… hey, maybe this was a better movie. Still, if you can’t spend a couple of hours being fascinated just by looking at Angelina Jolie, it would be hard to enjoy this movie. Those eleven people probably just shouldn’t bother seeing it.

Volcano High (Whasango) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   07 February 2004 This movie would have been way better with drugs a bit stronger than my chosen cold medicine. Apparently this was a specialized MTV dub wherein the soundtrack was hip-hop and all of the characters were voiced by rappers, giving it quite a surreal feeling against the Korean kung-fu visuals. The visual effects and fights were remarkably good.

Warrior Queen Julie Gephart   Basic cable   19 October 2003 The reign of Boudica, in all its dirty barbarian glory.

We're Not Married Julie Gephart   Basic cable   06 March 2004 Old comedy was less than satisfying since it divided its short time into six separate stories. A judge begins marrying couples before his appointment is official, so two years later, six couples find out that their marriages were not actually legal. Many are quite pleased with this development, as at least one couple actively loathes each other by now. Nevertheless, we somehow consider it a Happy Ending when they all get remarried again at the end.

Wes Craven's Dracula 2000 Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   18 February 2003 This took what could have been a very interesting story about the origins of Dracula ("Dra-COOL-ya") and made it completely overbearing and ridiculous by the end. Still, it's not every day you get to see killer leeches, so that's something.

Whale Rider Julie Gephart   Basic cable   01 March 2004 This was a lovely little movie, and as for the three people in the world who are not yet in love with New Zealand, well, I just can’t imagine why not. The little girl was both brilliant and beautiful, thus showing us that it is only adult actresses who have to ugly up for award consideration.

What's Love Got To Do With It Julie Gephart   Basic cable   22 February 2004 I would like to nominate Angela Bassett’s Arms for a co-starring role in every single movie I watch for the rest of my life.

While You Were Sleeping Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   21 February 2003 Always a good time. The epitome of what makes Sandra Bullock loveable.

Why Do Fools Fall in Love Julie Gephart   Basic cable   07 November 2003 The life and loves of doo-wop star Frankie Lymon, as told through the court testimonies of three women who claim to have been married to him at the time of his death. They all loved him, he ruined all of their lives, a dog got killed, and Halle Berry looked really pretty, the end.

Woman of the Year (1942) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 September 2003 The first of the Hepburn/Tracy movies, and my favorite so far. I thought it was going to preach at me about how a woman can’t have a career and be a good wife, but it came through with fairly flying colors.

Wuthering Heights (MTV) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   22 September 2003 Phheeeeeeeeeeeewwwwww, what's that smell?

Yellow Sky Julie Gephart   Basic cable   25 October 2003 A band of outlaws run across a “tomboy” woman and her grandfather living and mining gold in a ghost town. First Gregory Peck threatens to kill the woman if she doesn’t feed them. Then he jumps on her in the yard, knocks her to the ground, and starts kissing and pawing her before laughing (that scamp!) and saying he was just showing how useless it was to try to defend herself if he wanted to get rough. That’s obviously when she fell in love with him. Finally when they can’t find the stash of gold, he agrees to only steal HALF of it if they’ll tell them where it is, and she loves him more. Later, after much gunplay, he brings her a flowered hat, and they ride off together joyously. Because no matter how much a woman wears jeans and boots, deep down she’s always longing for that flowered hat.

Young at Heart Julie Gephart   Basic cable   08 November 2003 The picture I’ve been carrying in my head all these years of Frank Sinatra turns out to be entirely fictional, as I couldn’t even pick out which character he was until he started singing. Boy, everybody sure did used to smoke.

You're Never Too Young Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 July 2004 No matter how many Jerry Lewis impersonations I’d seen, I was still unprepared for how aggressively irritating the real thing could be.

Zoolander Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   23 February 2003 I don't want to fight Kristin or anything, but I also feel some serious love for Owen Wilson. I don't usually like comedies, but I liked this one.