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8 Mile Steve Gadd   Basic Cable   07 April 2005 I thought that one of VH1's "Movies That Rock" would provide a bit of music as I worked on the computer. Instead, there was hardly any music to be heard, probably so the viewer can better imagine a violin to accompany the sob story of Marshall Mathers' youth.

Amazons and Gladiators Julie Gephart   Basic cable   04 January 2004 On a scale of 1 to10, I’d have to rate this… THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. Only the subject matter of oppressed peoples rebelling against Rome was enough to drag me in. By the end I was literally rolling from side to side on the couch, just trying to escape the pain of the remaining dialogue. IMDb informs me that the lead Amazon has played roles in the past ranging from “Fantasy Girl” to “Pretty Girl” to “Sorority Girl” to “Bikini Girl” until she reached her proudest role, “Alien Jumpsuit Chick #2.”

Angel and the Badman Julie Gephart   Basic cable   27 June 2003 Two John Wayne movies now, and two fairly pleasant viewing experiences. I guess I’ve been missing out on an important piece of culture all of these years. I nearly didn’t make it past the third minute of this movie, where I spent almost ten minutes rewinding and laughing and rewinding and laughing at the most hilariously ridiculous character introduction I have ever seen. I can't even capture it in words.

Anna Karenina (1997) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   15 March 2003 One thing you probably didn't know about this classic story is that all the Russians talked to each other in English, some with French accents. Blah blah obsessive love at first sight for no apparent reason, hail the goodness of nature, big dresses, etc. Sophie Marceau has some rather arresting eyes.

Arabesque Julie Gephart   Basic cable   04 July 2003 Overly witty spy thriller brought back pleasant memories of the old Mission Impossible TV series. Tip: If you’re ever a spy looking for a place to hide, try Sophia Loren’s shower. You won’t be sorry.

Attila (TV) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   26 October 2003 I don’t care if it was historically accurate – any movie that gives me a chance to raise my sword and shout “TAKE THE VILLAGE!” is a winner in my book. Add a very attractive cast, bloody swordfights, and a Borg queen ruling Rome, and it’s an instant classic, well worth the four hour time investment. One pet peeve: why is it that eyes seem to be invisible to casting directors? A child with dark brown eyes is just not going to grow up into a man with light blue eyes, no matter how much you ask me to believe they’re the same person. Plus, a blue-eyed Hun? Ok, pet peeve over. TAKE THE VILLAGE!

Battlestar Galactica (2003) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   10 December 2003 During the first half, I was ready to give it rave reviews – beautifully shot, strong characters, gripping story. During the second half, I was watching the clock and waiting for it to be over. How it fell apart so completely is still a mystery to me, except maybe that all of the human drama was in the first half.

Best in Show Julie Gephart   Basic cable   11 November 2003 I think I got set up by overinflated expectations due to all the rave reviews. I did not find this movie hilarious, but it was pleasant, and I grinned a great deal.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula Julie Gephart   Basic cable   22 November 2003 The plot was ok, the dialog was bad, but mainly this movie was a visual feast from beginning to end. I guess maybe there’s something to be said for famous directors after all.

Bringing Up Baby Julie Gephart   Basic cable   15 November 2003 The combination of Katharine Hepburn and a pet leopard seemed like a sure-fire winner, but… not so much. I’m just not a fan of this type of slapstick, everything-goes-wrong comedy.

Cinderella Liberty Julie Gephart   Basic cable   26 June 2004 “I happen to be one of those incurable romantics. Every time I meet a girl, I expect to hear a clap of thunder. I never heard the thunder, but occasionally I did get the clap.” James Caan is a Navy sailor looking for love in all the wrong places (Seattle).

Cleopatra (1963) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   09 May 2004 Five hours long, and there weren't even any elves.

Conan the Barbarian Julie Gephart   Basic cable   31 May 2003 Laugh if you must, but I stand by it as a good movie. And no, I'm not just distracted by all the shiny muscles.

Cyborg 2 Julie Gephart   Basic cable   01 November 2003 Haiku review: See young teen robot / Angelina Jolie and / teeth of Jack Palance.

Dances With Wolves Julie Gephart   Basic cable   14 November 2003 I thought I could overcome my Kevin Costner revulsion enough to enjoy this movie, but it didn’t go so well. Clearly if the guy had eyes, he would have shacked up with the super-hot Wind in His Hair instead of puffhead Mary McDonnell. How on earth they thought they could get away with giving her Van Halen hair when the rest of the tribe had clearly mastered the process of combing and braiding is beyond me, but I found it very disturbing.

Darkdrive Julie Gephart   Basic cable   09 December 2002 Incomprehensible movie notable only for the fact that it held prisoners in a virtual reality world called "The Matrix" a full three years before the arrival of The Matrix. I couldn't make any sense of the plot, and sadly, I think that had very little to do with the fact that I watched a lot of it on fast forward.

Deep Blue Sea Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 August 2003 Big scary sharks and LL Cool J. All the makings of a fine cinematic experience.

Demolition Man Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 November 2002 Wesley Snipes is a crazy killer who escapes cryo-freeze into a peaceful future full of naive dimwits. Unable to deal, dimwits decide to unfreeze his crazy cop nemesis (Stallone) so that he can be sure to blow up the few buildings Snipes missed. The thing is, these guys were frozen for THIRTY YEARS. All of the dimwits call them Neanderthals and can't begin to understand anything about this mysterious "20th century" from which they come. Thirty years ago. Yeah, I don't get it either. Still, it's a passable enough entry in the testosteraction genre, and Sandra Bullock manages to sparkle even as a dimwit.

Desk Set Julie Gephart   Basic cable   14 September 2003 It’s not that I plan for every movie that I watch for the rest of my life to be a Hepburn/Tracy film, but once you set TiVo on the case, there’s no going back. This one captured a delightful slice of time when business was just being introduced to the wonders of “electronic brains,” and workers were facing the astonishing notion that a machine could take their desk job away. I might give body parts for the chance to work in an office as fun as the one in this movie.

Destry Rides Again Julie Gephart   Basic cable   11 January 2004 This was the most peculiar Western I’ve ever seen, entirely lacking in the machismo that usually defines the genre. Jimmy Stewart is the new sheriff in town, managing to clean up all the ruffians by telling drawling stories instead of by carrying guns. The culmination comes in a most unexpected Final Shootout scene, where the barricades are up, the air is filled with gun smoke… and out of the blue, all the women of the town come marching down the street armed with brooms and rolling pins and proceed to overwhelm and physically beat down the gang of bad guys. I guess it’s because they’d had to spend so long listening to Marlene Dietrich sing, and that could make anybody crazy.

Dr. No Julie Gephart   Basic cable   05 July 2004 So, Mr. Bond, we meet at last. I felt a little cheated, since there was not a single gadget in the whole movie. The plot culminated in Bond, James Bond creating a meltdown in a nuclear reactor that caused the whole plant to explode. Yes, on purpose. No, I don’t understand. Maybe he sprayed down the whole area with a special MI6 Radiation-B-Gone product when I wasn’t looking.

Election Julie Gephart   Basic cable   11 July 2003 Entertaining throughout. Funny but still intelligent.

Enemy of the State Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 June 2004 If only the real John Ashcroft would slip up badly enough to be taken down by a Will Smith character… but the evil megalomaniacs never seem to lose in real life, now do they?

Fantastic Voyage Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 November 2003 Aside from the sight of Raquel Welch in a wetsuit, this was pretty much an excruciating two-hour version of the two-minute Body Wars ride at Disney World. Sadly, not once did I feel inclined to shout “woo!” and grip the arms of my chair.

Final Verdict Julie Gephart   Basic cable   19 June 2003 The description was "A 1900s lawyer travels with his tomboy daughter." The movie was... unfortunately not. Rather, it was the story of a precociously self-righteous little girl who had what I'd call a psychotic obsession with her father. Not only would she trail him all over town as he attempted to do his job, but when he would try to dislodge the obnoxious little tick, she'd sneak after him anyway, lurking in hallways to spy on his every conversation, the better to ensure that he was meeting her high moral standards. She even got up repeatedly in the middle of the night to check out what he was doing. Dude, there's a word for your kid, and that word is "stalker."

Flashdance Julie Gephart   Basic cable   09 October 2003 From the E! True Hollywood Story, I learned that the final casting decision was made by showing audition tapes to a collection of 50 teamsters, gaffers, and other assorted Manly Men from the studio lot. They voted they’d rather sleep with Jennifer Beals than Demi Moore, and that was that. I think of this as proof that Jerry Bruckheimer was Jerry Bruckheimer even before he was Jerry Bruckheimer.

Fled Julie Gephart   Basic cable   11 April 2004 A boring, stupid movie full of Stephen Baldwin’s ugly mug. It gets one point for Laurence Fishburne and Salma Hayek kissing, and one more point for at least attempting an in-joke about Fishburne playing Ike Turner.

Follow the River Julie Gephart   Basic cable   24 January 2004 It’s not like I am a big fan of savagery, but come on! This was the lamest movie ever. Women get kidnapped by a band of Indians, and… nothing bad happens. They aren’t hurt in any way, and they just go on living peaceful lives in the Shawnee village. When they decide to escape, they just walk away and go home, and nobody chases them. Nothing bad! Ever! Well, I guess Renee O’Conner disappears, but she was a whiny loser anyway.

Free Enterprise Julie Gephart   Basic cable   12 October 2003 I ran across this on live television and somehow got stuck. I watched COMMERCIALS for this, people!

Garden of Evil Julie Gephart   Basic cable   24 January 2004 Gary Cooper, Susan Hayward. This was a cowboy movie, probably pretty much like any other cowboy movie. It had some good scenery.

Gone in Sixty Seconds Julie Gephart   Basic cable   16 February 2003 I hate Nicolas Cage. I hate car chases. I hate movies about dirty thugs engaging in car chases. The fact that I watched this movie at all can only be a measure of my dedication to Angelina Jolie.

Harry and the Hendersons Julie Gephart   Basic cable   22 April 2004 Another one spit out on the “Award Winners” list from TiVo, although this one was just for makeup. It was a bad movie. However, it was filmed around Seattle, so I got to glory for a while in the wonderful spot where I live, and that never hurts. Also – the dad? Annoying alien John Lithgow. The mom? Ralphie’s mom from “A Christmas Story.” The boy? Scary creepy Billy Mahoney from Flatliners. The evil hunter? Hercule Poirot. And finally, revealed to me courtesy of imdb, Harry was none other than both the Predator and also the super tall doctor from one of my favorite childhood shows, Misfits of Science. If you want to watch a bunch of actors that you recognize doing stupid things in beautiful scenery, then this is just the movie for you.

Heaven Can Wait (1943) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 April 2004 I believe Waylon said it best when he said, “She never complains of the bad times or the bad things he’s done. She just talks about the good times they’ve had and all the good times to come.” Here, Gene Tierney was the Good Hearted Woman in love with Don Ameche’s Good Timin’ Man, and, ok, she briefly tried to leave him once, but mostly she just accepted his playboy ways and constant lies as part of his “charm.” The story was told through the somewhat superfluous filter of reviewing his deeds at the gates of hell after death, where Satan finally proclaimed that he didn’t deserve to be in hell because he had “made a great many women very happy.” So, there you go. Now you know the correct strategy for moral navigation in life.

High Fidelity Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 July 2004 Long have the women of my tribe gathered around winter fires to make tellings of the Coo-sak. How glad it is to look upon him, how pleasant to hear his speech! So say they all, the women of my tribe, with one voice. Unto me alone does the bright Coo-sak appear dim of countenance, shielding the glory that he chooses to shine forth upon all others. These mysteries are unknowable to me.

High Noon Julie Gephart   Basic cable   19 July 2003 The cowboy part was great, but this had the strangest "romantic" non-chemistry that I've ever seen. Gary Cooper generally managed to give the impression that he had forgotten Grace Kelly was even in the room -- even while delivering dialog to her -- at their wedding.

Hijacked: Flight 285 Julie Gephart   Basic cable   21 February 2003 Xena's nemesis Callisto disguises herself as a modern-day woman who helps hijack an airplane. Being the female, she goes through some qualms of conscience feeling sorry for the "cute" (obnoxious) kid who had the seat next to her, but in the end she stays strong in her evil ways.

Houseboat Julie Gephart   Basic cable   24 June 2003 This was a wonderful movie. I’m so glad I finally stumbled across one during my long trek through the barren land of basic cable. Cary Grant, Sophia Loren, three adorable children, and a fixer-upper houseboat – winners all the way. Unfortunately, I suppose it was a romantic comedy, but I don’t care – I liked it anyway. It was charming and witty and sensitive and everyone was beautiful, and that’s really all I could want from a movie. (Well, you know, at least all I could want if I’m taking a break from graphic bloodshed and jaw-dropping fight scenes.)

How to Marry a Millionaire Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 December 2003 Lauren Bacall, Marilyn Monroe, and Betty Grable conspire to live for a year in a penthouse they can’t afford in order to meet millionaires and lure them into marriage. After all, as the stupid people are earnestly informed, “Marriage, well its… it’s just the biggest thing you can do in life!” Dudes, just don’t let Marie Curie hear you talking like that. Soon they are all worn down by pesky old love and end up marrying men who are not rich. In conclusion, we learn that love is more important than money, but marriage is still the biggest thing of all.

Imitation of Life Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 April 2004 Lana Turner totally falls in love with her maid, except somehow the movie keeps pretending instead that she’s in love with Handsome Jerk, who repeatedly sulks off when she has the nerve to have career success. Actually a surprisingly thought-provoking movie for 1959 Hollywood, as it is largely about the black maid’s daughter who appears white and constantly struggles to disassociate herself from her mother.

Indiscreet Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 July 2003 This may be the very first truly grown-up romance I’ve ever seen on film, and I didn’t even realize I was missing such a thing until I saw it. It was a lovely and delightful movie until Cary Grant turned out to be a cad, which just goes to prove I should have trusted my instincts all along. Nobody with that crazy fake accent could be an honest man.

It Started in Naples Julie Gephart   Basic cable   21 February 2004 Fairly ridiculous movie starring a fat and grumpy Clark Gable arguing with Sophia Loren over the custody of an adorable little Italian boy. If it teaches us one thing, it’s how much Italians hate the rich Americanos.

Jane Austen's Emma (1997) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   25 July 2003 If you had told me halfway through that I would actually like Emma by the end, I would not have believed it possible. Therefore, I can only conclude that some sort of hypnosis was at work during the second half of the movie. Thankfully, this was not the version with Gwyneth Paltrow, or I'm sure no amount of hypnosis could have saved her.

Jaws Julie Gephart   Basic cable   20 March 2004 I thought I'd be laughing at this movie after 20 years, but I was wrong. It was still a really good and genuinely scary movie.

Joan of Arc (1948) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   10 June 2003 Choose the best answer: This movie taught us that... a) the only sure way to win a war is to stop your soldiers from playing with dice, or b) men will follow Ingrid Bergman anywhere.

Jumanji Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 August 2003 TiVo thought it was recording another movie, and by the time I realized what this was, it was too late - I had already been sucked in by precious little Kirsten Dunst in her little braids and overalls. And speaking of sucking, the movie... well, I'll try to be charitable and just say it was made for kids.

Jurassic Park Julie Gephart   Basic cable   22 May 2004 Out of the whole cast, couldn’t they give me even ONE attractive person to look at? When they couldn’t even swing cute kids, I knew this was not the movie for me. Hilarious geek moment: When the little “I prefer the term ‘hacker’” girl runs up to a computer displaying a 3D map of the park and declares, “This is a UNIX system! I know this!” Yes, she executes that classic UNIX maneuver of pointing to the right building on the map and clicking on it. Good thing she was along, because you never know how long it could have taken those other bone heads to figure it out. “Well, this… looks… like the park… but everything is so… small… Do we have to… shrink?... to get in there?”

King Kong (1976) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   20 July 2003 It’s all about the Jessica Lange, even when she’s playing a bimbo. Ok, maybe especially when she’s playing a bimbo.

Laura Julie Gephart   Basic cable   18 July 2003 Classic murder mystery in which the police detective manages to fall in love with the victim inside of two days, based on reading her letters and staring morosely at her portrait while downing scotch. Then again, the victim was the luminous Gene Tierney, so I guess I can't blame him too much.

Let it Be Me Julie Gephart   Basic cable   05 June 2004 Dancing Guy is in love with Yancy Butler, who is in love with Campbell Scott, who is in love with Jennifer Beals, who is in love with Dancing Guy. Meanwhile, Patrick Stewart (with hair, ew) serves food to Katharine Houghton and buys perfume from Heather Graham, and everybody dances. A lot. I love a good dancing movie.

Let's Make Love Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 December 2003 Billionaire playboy learns he is to be one of the celebrities lampooned in an upcoming satire play, so he heads to the theater during rehearsal to check it out. There he finds himself in a casting call full of celebrity impersonators, and he is selected to play the part of himself -- to which he agrees because he's become instantly smitten with the star, Marilyn Monroe. Then he proceeds to hire Milton Berle to teach him comedy, Bing Crosby for singing, and Gene Kelly for dancing, and the movie becomes a bizarre Hollywood insider love-fest. Eventually he succeeds in his goal of making Marilyn fall in love with him even though he's a "poor actor." I hope I didn't ruin the ending for anyone.

Life is Beautiful Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 November 2003 I was expecting it to be good but depressing, so I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was just good. It contained both an adorable child and a kitten.

Lilo and Stitch Julie Gephart   Basic cable   10 October 2003 I must be the only person in the world who doesn't think bratty kids are cute. Still, the movie got better as it went along.

Meet the Parents Julie Gephart   Basic cable   22 December 2003 As I’ve said, I’m not too fond of the screwball comedies where everything goes wrong. At least no real harm came to the cat.

Men in Black Julie Gephart   Basic cable   20 March 2004 I’d almost forgotten what a fun movie this was. Clunky in places, but really a clever idea.

Monkey Business Julie Gephart   Basic cable   24 July 2003 I should have been warned off by ABennett, but I had to try it for myself, and I was mightily bored. I never did see the Meg Ryan connection, and I am slowly developing a huge dislike for Cary Grant based on that stupid affected accent of the type some people tend to use in old movies. That is not a real accent from anywhere! Just stop it!

Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 May 2003 Yes, it was another one of THOSE movies. You know, the kind where you go in thinking, "This was an interesting woman. I could stand to know more about her." And then two and a half hours later, you are so depressed that you can barely muster the will to stand up? Yeah, one of those. Perhaps someday Kristin can write me a treatise entitled "Why some people actually enjoy depressing movies," because I just don't get it.

My Brilliant Career Julie Gephart   Basic cable   27 November 2003 A farmer’s daughter in Australia bemoans the fact that not only is she poor, but she is also ugly, and nobody will ever love her. Then she goes to live with some rich relations, where she falls in love with a handsome rich man who also falls in love with her and proposes marriage. Needless to say, this makes her… still very unhappy? She spent the whole movie trying to make sure this man fell in love with her, only to then confess that she never wanted to get married because somehow that would prevent her from being a writer. Whatever. I’ve often mocked movies that represent “ugly girl” as “obviously attractive girl in some bad hair and glasses,” but now I’ve come to understand how that device is preferable to the discomfort of watching a genuinely ugly actress get told over and over again how ugly she is.

No Highway in the Sky Julie Gephart   Basic cable   24 July 2004 I liked at least the first part of this so much that I can’t even mock it. Jimmy Stewart is an obsessed scientist, stereotypically removed from people and emotions and Real Life. He’s developed a theory that the newest airplane model will develop fatal stress fractures after a certain number of hours in flight, and his detached fascination with the idea gets a human jolt upon discovery that his trans-Atlantic flight is an early prototype of that model, rapidly approaching the critical point in his theory.

Office Space Steve Gadd   Basic cable   19 January 2004 Funny look at life in a software company cubicle farm. Not half as good as Microserfs, but good for a few laughs.

One Christmas Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 December 2003 Little country boy in the 1930’s goes to visit his big-city con artist father over Christmas. Everyone in this movie was horrible, and I could only wish for roving gangs of street thugs to come along and beat the snot out of anyone any time they left the house.

Pat and Mike Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 August 2003 My second outing with Hepburn and Tracy, and this time it was all about sports instead of politics. Hepburn plays a mean game of golf, but let’s be honest – nobody’s anxious to see a play-by-play of all 18 holes. Still, this movie earns some extra points for presenting a woman in a shockingly advanced light for that era.

Platoon Julie Gephart   Basic cable   09 December 2003 Starring: 90% of all male actors who were alive 1986, from Johnny Depp to Tony Todd. Not that you would know, since every scene consisted of a big bunch of men dressed all alike in the dark with their faces blackened. Me watching this movie: “Is that one Charlie Sheen? Hey, did he get shot? Wait, is that Charlie Sheen? Which one is that? Now who is this guy? Hey, who just got blown up? Who’s in the bushes! Was that Charlie Sheen?”

Playing by Heart Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 January 2004 This has the honor of being the only movie I ever saw with Kristin, long ago in the theater. It starred… everybody. No, really, every star in Hollywood. Yes, him. Yes, and him too. Yep. Yep. Uh huh, her too.

Prancer Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 December 2003 Christmas movie starring an ugly, ugly kid, and that’s all it takes to make me hate it.

Prizzi's Honor Julie Gephart   Basic cable   31 March 2004 I don't as a rule enjoy mafia movies, but this one just kept showing up in TiVo's Award Winners list until I had to record it. I was delighted to find that I didn't have to take the mobsters seriously, as it turned out to be a dark comedy, and it kept me guessing about the outcome to the final moments.

Pulp Fiction Steve Gadd   Basic Cable   26 September 2004 I think this will be the last time I watch a movie on TV. Toward the end, the movie seemed to be interrupting the commercials. To make time, major scenes were deleted, seemingly at random. Oddly, the "Elvis or Beatles" videocamera interview between Mia and Vincent was retained despite being cut from the theatrical release. And of course, this film particularly suffers from dirty-word dubbing, though this adds some entertainment as well: "We' have to be talkin' 'bout one charmin' mighty-friendly pig."

Raiders of the Lost Ark Julie Gephart   Basic cable   29 May 2004 Things I remembered about this movie: giant rolling ball, snake pit, melting faces. Things I had forgotten: how hot Harrison Ford looked with stubble, the fact that Margot-Kidder-alike women must have been the bee’s knees at some strange point in time.

Ravager Julie Gephart   Basic cable   27 July 2003 I wondered how there could be a movie starring Yancy Butler and Juliet Landau that I had never heard of, and now I know the answer. Some things should really remain buried. Note to movie producers: if you’re going to make a movie wherein you have approximately $12 to spend on “special effects,” it would be preferable just to skip those scenes and instead hold up hand-lettered cards in front of the camera saying things like “Now the shuttle makes a crash landing.”

Risky Business Steve Gadd   Basic cable   19 January 2004 Beats workin'.

Roman Holiday Julie Gephart   Basic cable   03 July 2003 It was a charming movie, but my real fascination came from the fact that it starred what may be the most attractive movie couple of all time. Where have Gregory Peck and his pouty lips been hiding all of this time? It’s a whole new world, the cable with AMC.

Rosemary's Baby Julie Gephart   Basic cable   21 July 2003 The thing is, people already tend to think of pregnant women as a little bit crazy. If you’re a pregnant woman being hounded by some supernatural evil, it wouldn’t kill you to put just a little effort into coming up with a good cover story. Ranting about witchcraft and conspiracies? Not so much the effective strategy. The very best part was at the end when she was staring in horror at her little cloven-hoof baby, and the idiot husband still didn’t see that he’d done anything so wrong. “We can have more kids!” He said brightly. “Think about if you had been pregnant and then lost the baby. Wouldn’t it be just the same?” THE SAME AS GIVING BIRTH TO THE SON OF SATAN WHOSE MISSION IS TO DESTROY THE WORLD. Yes, it would be exactly like that.

See Jane Date Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 August 2003 Charisma Carpenter, Holly Marie Combs, Linda Dano, Antonio Sabato Jr. This is the list of words that somehow caused me to agree to spend two hours being battered with the message that a thirty year old woman is an embarrassing failure if she hasn’t managed to trap herself a boyfriend.

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers Julie Gephart   Basic cable   29 November 2002 Wheee! The wimminfolk, they love to be kidnapped! Ever last one of em! It will make them dance in their underwear and wish to have your babies!

Species II Julie Gephart   Basic cable   20 June 2003 Like Terminator, the villain comes back as the hero in the sequel. Alien DNA infects an astronaut on Mars, and said astronaut comes back and has sex with lots of women, causing each to immediately start to swell until an alien baby explodes from her stomach. Now this was 1998 – 1998, people! I’m just saying, if anyone had heard of the little concept we like to call “safe sex,” there’d be fewer aliens in the world today.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 June 2004 I watched this right after the BET Top 10 video countdown so that I could transition directly from one strange new world to another. As luck would have it, the future appears to contain far more Klingons and far fewer undulating bikini girls who answer to insulting terms. I suppose it's a fair enough trade, all things considered.

State of the Union Julie Gephart   Basic cable   27 July 2003 I finally got to see the famed pairing of Hepburn & Tracy in action, but I had to put up with a whole lot of political speechifying to do so. The dialog was almost too fast to comprehend at times, which actually made for a nice change from most movies. Any woman who is being edged out of her marriage by *Angela Lansbury* has got to know she’s hit absolute rock bottom.

That Touch of Mink Julie Gephart   Basic cable   16 January 2004 I’ve tended to enjoy the old time romantic comedies much more than the modern ones, but this one was stupid and offensive from start to finish. It was so bad that it might as well have starred Jennifer Aniston. For those keeping track, I still can't stand Cary Grant.

The African Queen Julie Gephart   Basic cable   08 July 2003 Eh. An Oscar for this? I don’t get it. And I don’t remember Humphrey Bogart being quite this blatantly ugly before.

The Bells of St. Mary’s Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 May 2004 If you are a woman and it turns out that you have tuberculosis that can be cured by resting in a dry climate, it is apparently quite acceptable for your doctor to look you in the eye and proclaim you to be in perfect health. Then your doctor will tell your boss about your condition, at which point you will be mysteriously transferred away from the job you love into a boring desk job in Arizona, and nobody will tell you why, because after all, they don’t want you to get “down hearted.”

The Butcher's Wife Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 February 2004 Demi Moore plays a folksy blonde clairvoyant with a southern accent. Really it takes the whole movie just to try to get over that much.

The Cassandra Crossing Julie Gephart   Basic cable   16 November 2003 The plague! The plague! On a train! A train! Bridge out! Legs! Sex! Suspense! Ah, the 70’s.

The Cat From Outer Space Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 February 2004 Listen, it was a movie starring a cat, and I’m not ashamed. The cat was an alien who could communicate telepathically, but still, it was a really cute little cat.

The Crow Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 June 2003 I always had this movie filed in the back of my mind as one I would enjoy, so I'm sorry to report that I did not. Something about Brandon Lee just never quite fit into the role for me, and I think it may have centered around his high, cheerful voice coming out of the body of the scary goth clown. The best thing about this movie is that it reminded me of how much I used to love hot dogs smothered in mustard and onions, although the movie cop also unfortunately added ketchup to his.

The Day the Earth Stood Still Julie Gephart   Basic cable   25 April 2004 "Klaatu and his guardian robot, Gort, come from afar to warn Earth about nuclear war." Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be a serious movie that was awarded 4 stars and was apparently a sci-fi classic. Of course, we no longer have to worry about such a threat, since we've now abandoned nuclear weapons in favor of nucular weapons.

The Ghost and Mrs. Muir Julie Gephart   Basic cable   06 July 2003 I grinned and chuckled my way through most of this, thinking it was shaping up to be the best classic movie I’d found so far, but then… wham! They went and turned it into a really sad movie, without a bit of my consent or approval. Still, really high marks all around – wonderful characters, perfect setting, great music. Not in the same vein of silliness as I remember the television series to be.

The Left Hand of God Julie Gephart   Basic cable   18 November 2003 Humphrey Bogart poses as a priest in a small Chinese village to escape an evil warlord and ends up getting religion. In this movie, I learned that evil Chinese warlords are really jovial white men who can be persuaded to let you go over a game of dice, and also that “females are simple biological structures – their bodies pay very little attention to their minds.” That explains a lot, actually.

The Neverending Story Julie Gephart   Basic cable   28 February 2004 Cute kid, bad special effects, and just a dash of Gerald McRaney.

The Philadelphia Story Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 July 2003 Excellent, delightful comedy full of witty repartee and a few really funny scenes. Jimmy Stewart won an Oscar for playing, as nearly as I could tell, George Bailey. I swear he even had some of the same lines. I learned an important secret when Katharine Hepburn's father explained, with nodding assent from her mother, that the reason he was having an affair was because KH had a realistic view of his faults rather than worshipping him as the ideal of male perfection. He revealed that aging men NEED! No choice! NEED! to be the center of some young woman's blind adoration, and if his daughter fails in her duty to worship him, then he simply has no other option than to go find another young woman to do it. He is the victim here, people! He has no choice! The sad thing was, I'm pretty sure that we, the audience, were supposed to be on his side during this conversation.

The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 July 2003 That darned Jessica Lange has dragged me into more depressing movies now than I can remember, and I never seem to learn. Worse, it turns out that if I had just watched this movie on DVD instead, I would have at least gotten to see some explicit sex scenes. I am cheated all around. But I did find Jack Nicholson appealing, which was a pleasant surprise. Reviews tell me the 1946 version was better, but I don't think I'll be rushing out to find it anytime soon.

The Rainmaker Julie Gephart   Basic cable   30 July 2003 This isn’t your John Grisham Rainmaker. There were some good parts, and then there was… most of the movie. The good parts were pretty much encompassed, strangely enough for me, by the comic relief – the dumb younger brother who was “six feet tall and twice as handsome,” and I tell you I was nearly ready to marry him by the end. The moment where Katharine Hepburn had the gall to answer someone’s question about geography (OUT LOUD, even) and then the whole room fell silent as everyone concluded at once that she was clearly not marriage material was the moment I paused to give thanks that I was not born any earlier than I was.

The Return of Frank James Julie Gephart   Basic cable   04 January 2004 Frank James done lit out after them cowardly scoundrels what shot Jesse in the back. Old Frank is a good boy, though, and he never did kill nobody.

The Searchers Julie Gephart   Basic cable   21 June 2003 John Wayne and Cute Young Guy spend many years searching for John’s niece who was kidnapped by Indians. When they finally catch up to her, John sees that she has grown enough to be married to a Comanche, and so he now hates her like he hates all Injuns and tries to kill her. Cute Young Guy protects her, but she tells him the Comanche are her people and she wants to stay with them. Then the shooting starts and they have to leave, but John still wants to go back for revenge, so they do, at which point suddenly all of the characters are dismissed and replaced by their exact mirror-universe duplicates. John suddenly decides to pick up the girl and love her instead of killing her, and the girl is suddenly thrilled to see them and go home with them, forgetting all about her beloved people who are busy getting massacred. So she goes to live in the now mysteriously nurturing home of a woman who had previously said, and I quote, “Bring her back?! Bring back what? The leavings of some buck?” And they all live happily ever after in their crazy state of character amnesia.

The Sword and the Sorcerer Julie Gephart   Basic cable   09 August 2003 It turns out that picking a movie because you sort of remember enjoying a TV show with Lee Horsley a long time ago is not always the best strategy. In this movie, Lee was crucified with nails through his hands, and then he pulled the nails out and proceeded to use those same hands to wield a giant sword with no apparent injury at all – magic! Or really bad editing. In the requisite scene with the girl and the giant snake, we got not one but two separate lingering close-ups of the snake writhing between her thighs, which we all know is the mark of a truly artistic director. “Dear Mr. Director, Your work with subtle and nuanced visual metaphor is outstanding, but don’t you think you ought to make your images just a touch more accessible to the common viewer? Also, I was thinking that if the woman could just make a SEVENTH jibe about some man’s sword being too small to serve her, then maybe I’d be able to put my finger on the veiled meaning she was attempting to convey. Your biggest fan, I. Hate You”

This Can’t Be Love Julie Gephart   Basic cable   27 November 2003 This may have been a TV movie, but I’d just like to remain in denial about the thought of Katharine Hepburn doing a TV movie. Two curmudgeonly old Hollywood stars rekindle a romance after 50 years of hating each other, and Jason Bateman is there to grin impishly in the background.

Volcano High (Whasango) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   07 February 2004 This movie would have been way better with drugs a bit stronger than my chosen cold medicine. Apparently this was a specialized MTV dub wherein the soundtrack was hip-hop and all of the characters were voiced by rappers, giving it quite a surreal feeling against the Korean kung-fu visuals. The visual effects and fights were remarkably good.

Warrior Queen Julie Gephart   Basic cable   19 October 2003 The reign of Boudica, in all its dirty barbarian glory.

We're Not Married Julie Gephart   Basic cable   06 March 2004 Old comedy was less than satisfying since it divided its short time into six separate stories. A judge begins marrying couples before his appointment is official, so two years later, six couples find out that their marriages were not actually legal. Many are quite pleased with this development, as at least one couple actively loathes each other by now. Nevertheless, we somehow consider it a Happy Ending when they all get remarried again at the end.

Whale Rider Julie Gephart   Basic cable   01 March 2004 This was a lovely little movie, and as for the three people in the world who are not yet in love with New Zealand, well, I just can’t imagine why not. The little girl was both brilliant and beautiful, thus showing us that it is only adult actresses who have to ugly up for award consideration.

What's Love Got To Do With It Julie Gephart   Basic cable   22 February 2004 I would like to nominate Angela Bassett’s Arms for a co-starring role in every single movie I watch for the rest of my life.

Why Do Fools Fall in Love Julie Gephart   Basic cable   07 November 2003 The life and loves of doo-wop star Frankie Lymon, as told through the court testimonies of three women who claim to have been married to him at the time of his death. They all loved him, he ruined all of their lives, a dog got killed, and Halle Berry looked really pretty, the end.

Woman of the Year (1942) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 September 2003 The first of the Hepburn/Tracy movies, and my favorite so far. I thought it was going to preach at me about how a woman can’t have a career and be a good wife, but it came through with fairly flying colors.

Wuthering Heights (MTV) Julie Gephart   Basic cable   22 September 2003 Phheeeeeeeeeeeewwwwww, what's that smell?

Yellow Sky Julie Gephart   Basic cable   25 October 2003 A band of outlaws run across a “tomboy” woman and her grandfather living and mining gold in a ghost town. First Gregory Peck threatens to kill the woman if she doesn’t feed them. Then he jumps on her in the yard, knocks her to the ground, and starts kissing and pawing her before laughing (that scamp!) and saying he was just showing how useless it was to try to defend herself if he wanted to get rough. That’s obviously when she fell in love with him. Finally when they can’t find the stash of gold, he agrees to only steal HALF of it if they’ll tell them where it is, and she loves him more. Later, after much gunplay, he brings her a flowered hat, and they ride off together joyously. Because no matter how much a woman wears jeans and boots, deep down she’s always longing for that flowered hat.

Young at Heart Julie Gephart   Basic cable   08 November 2003 The picture I’ve been carrying in my head all these years of Frank Sinatra turns out to be entirely fictional, as I couldn’t even pick out which character he was until he started singing. Boy, everybody sure did used to smoke.

You're Never Too Young Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 July 2004 No matter how many Jerry Lewis impersonations I’d seen, I was still unprepared for how aggressively irritating the real thing could be.