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(American) Mystery! A Thief of Time A Bennett   TiVo'd from Kentucky PBS   19 July 2004 Please feel free to go back and re-read my prior reviews of the two earlier entries into this Mystery! series trio of Tony Hillerman’s books about two Navajo cops fighting crime on the rez. Heaven knows I’d like to recapture the good feelings I had after watching the first two. After more than six months waiting for this one, I could have cried when the credits rolled. Nonsensical, with mis-interpreted characters doing things and acting in ways we had come to understand they never would. Just...a travesty. One star due to shattered expectations and the knowledge it could be done better.

A Shark Tale Kristin Schrock   Newport on the Levee (with 2 small children)   22 October 2004 Absolute hackery--a collection of "inside" jokes that I can't imagine would appeal to children (allusions to Jaws, The Godfather, Gladiator, Untouchables). I chuckled a few times at some reggae jellyfish, but that was it. Even the animation failed to delight. Blah.

Bubba Ho-Tep Tony Pisarenkov   DC Visions, Washington, DC   03 April 2004 There are some films that I just wasn't made for

Darkdrive Julie Gephart   Basic cable   09 December 2002 Incomprehensible movie notable only for the fact that it held prisoners in a virtual reality world called "The Matrix" a full three years before the arrival of The Matrix. I couldn't make any sense of the plot, and sadly, I think that had very little to do with the fact that I watched a lot of it on fast forward.

Darkened Room Tony Pisarenkov   DVD at home   20 March 2006 See Rabbits below, though at eight minutes this is marginally more watchable than Rabbits' 50.

Dawn of the Dead (2004) Ray Hunley   Netflix DVD   04 April 2005 Oy vey. A tragic misstep for the sake of the original/remake comparison series. No more zombie films; I really mean it this time.

Fled Julie Gephart   Basic cable   11 April 2004 A boring, stupid movie full of Stephen Baldwin’s ugly mug. It gets one point for Laurence Fishburne and Salma Hayek kissing, and one more point for at least attempting an in-joke about Fishburne playing Ike Turner.

Flesh for Frankenstein Tony Pisarenkov   AFI Silver Theatre, Silver Spring, MD   20 October 2006 "To know death, Otto, you have to fuck life... in the gall bladder"

Journey to the Sun Steve Gadd   DVD   06 August 2005 The last half-hour of this film was the only watchable part. It shows the journey in the title; a man driving his friend's coffin to the friend's hometown in eastern Turkey. Starting on the Bosphorus Bridge, there are some dramatic views through the countryside. The rest had nothing to recommend it. On top of everything, the transfer (from Facets Video) was the worst I've ever seen, hardly better than VCD quality.

Just Desserts A Bennett   TiVo'd off Hallmark Channel   08 February 2004 Unable to cull nary a single clever, new pun on the art of either cooking or love, this film still proves that Costas Mandylor has *something*, even if no one else on screen shares it with him. Small consolation, though, for such a dim, dull, hollow exercise that proved neither romantic nor comedic.

Lilo and Stitch Tony Pisarenkov   DVD at Liz & Rick's   06 July 2003 Not that there is anything wrong with feature-length animation per se, but Disney feature-length animation is a different question. A couple of humorous moments and a subtle visual pun on a Norman Rockwell painting at the end fail to save this profoundly conventional cartoon with a nauseating feel-good story and toothless, classically Disney animation style. I suppose the Stitch character, surprisingly Japanese-looking, is reasonably creative, what with his extra pair of retractable arms.

Mask of Death Ray Hunley   One of the minor HBOs   02 August 2005 Good grief. Writing a review would mean I'd have to relive the experience. Here's what the IMDB has to say.

Mr. Deeds Steve Gadd   In-flight movie, Delta 73   01 December 2002 Adam Sandler at his unfunniest. Remember the commercial with the butler banging on his foot, and the guy driving the Corvette into a tree? Those were the funny bits.

Nacho Libre Tony Pisarenkov   Regal Cinemas, Bethesda, MD   04 July 2006 Sometimes, in your life, you wear stretchy pants.

New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   01 February 2003 I really loved this book as a kid. The movie, however, sucked so much that I think it created a vortex in the corner of my living room.

One Christmas Julie Gephart   Basic cable   13 December 2003 Little country boy in the 1930’s goes to visit his big-city con artist father over Christmas. Everyone in this movie was horrible, and I could only wish for roving gangs of street thugs to come along and beat the snot out of anyone any time they left the house.

Pink Flamingos Tony Pisarenkov   DVD at home   01 July 2006 If something like this can put someone on the map, anything can. But is it a map onto which one would want to be put? For John Waters, the answer is a resounding "yes."

Planet of the Apes (2001) Julie Gephart   Mysteriously free HBO   01 January 2003 It gets two points exclusively for makeup, because this was a film I truly and actively hated from start to finish. I never saw the original, so I don't know how much of the horrendous plot and characterization was inherited and how much was new to this version. I may have shouted insults at the television more than once, all alone in my apartment.

Polyester Tony Pisarenkov   DVD at home   23 September 2006 The slog through the John Waters box set continues.

Prancer Julie Gephart   Basic cable   23 December 2003 Christmas movie starring an ugly, ugly kid, and that’s all it takes to make me hate it.

Rabbits Tony Pisarenkov   DVD at home   20 March 2006 I considered recommending that interested parties see it for themselves here but decided against it.

See Jane Date Julie Gephart   Basic cable   17 August 2003 Charisma Carpenter, Holly Marie Combs, Linda Dano, Antonio Sabato Jr. This is the list of words that somehow caused me to agree to spend two hours being battered with the message that a thirty year old woman is an embarrassing failure if she hasn’t managed to trap herself a boyfriend.

Shanghai Knights Ray Hunley   Netflix DVD   06 June 2005 Good grief. Fann Wong is inconceivably hot, but hot only goes so far.

Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song Ray Hunley   Netflix DVD   24 March 2005 One point for historical value as the beginning of the "blaxploitation" genre, and one point out of simple pity. "Rated X by an all-white jury!"

The Corpse Vanishes Tony Pisarenkov   DVD at home   31 October 2008 Do you mean to tell me that this Dr. Lorenz is both a hypnotist and a horticulturalist?!

The Trickle Down Theory of Sorrow Jaqi Ross   National Gallery of Art   21 February 2004 Avant-garde filmmaker Mary Filippo said of her short videowork, "It is an experimental, autobiographical documentary about my being both the daughter of a working-class mother and someone who has become (economically at least) middle-class and a mother herself"

The Tuxedo A Bennett   Milford Gigantic Cineplex   28 September 2002 Someday Hollywood may come to understand what wonder is Jackie Chan, until such time, avoid Hollywood's bizarre misunderstanding and rent the Hong Kong films. Supercop costarring Michele Yeoh is a particular favorite.

The Wild One Tony Pisarenkov   DVD at home   19 May 2006 Who would have thought that (1) Lee Marvin could outact Marlon Brando in his sleep and (2) something so legendary could suck so badly?