Tired of the Green Menace?:
The Forked Forefinger of Fong: For you, it may be of considerable value…
Ruby:
What’s this
“considerable value” sh*t…
The
Forked Forefinger of Fong: Your life…if you value it considerably.
“Colonel? I think I’ve just had my life threatened.” –Ruby
“Pardon for humble intrusion, but lives of Miss Tuesday is
most greatly endangered species.” –The Falcon of Fong
Ruby:
Anyone that’s
part of it can feed in anything they want…and unless the common experience
tosses it out, your group-mind can be swimming with fat lies, distortions,
half-baked opinions, you know…sh*t!
The
Falcon of Fong: No
different from the single mind?
“Please – do not sit there. That is priceless piece of
sh*t.” --The Falcon of Fong
Ruby: I’m sorry…Look, when I said
‘sh*t’ I didn’t mean the stuff in your shop…
The
Falcon of Fong:
Shop filled with antique sh*t. No necessity to clarify.
“The long history of Falcon of Fong and Forked Forefinger of
Fong is fraught with battles fiercely fought.” --The Falcon of Fong
“The Dark Forces are not without eagerness to converse while
you still possess a measure of good sanity.” --The Falcon of Fong
“Pardon humble suggestion? Do not lose carefulness.” --The
Falcon of Fong
Ruby: My client wants his planet
back.
The
Forked Forefinger of Fong: Oh?
Ruby: Don’t give me “Oh.”
“Through the darkness someone is coming, running fast.
Something’s in his hand. He holds it high as he approaches and brings it down
over my head.” –Ruby
Ruby:
It’s not
gonna happen again.
The
Falcon: Good…otherwise
one may well consider applying to oneself a resounding kick.
Formative
of Fong: You
cannot understand our ways.
Ruby:
What the h**l
do you expect, I’m an alien?
Formative
of Fong: That’s
precisely my point.
Ruby:
But we both
speak Angloese, right?
“You know, I wouldn’t mind putting a permanent bend in that
spindly little green arm of yours.” –Ruby
Formative
of Fong: You
are an ignorant pink alien. Get out.
Ruby: I hate being called a pink
alien…
“KEEP your finger away
from that button or I’ll snap it like a string bean.” –Ruby
Formative
of Fong:
Everyone is aware of what has happened here.
Ruby: So what?
Formative
of Fong: You
are hardly welcome on Dong-A-Long.
Ruby: I never was.
Ruby
(very nervous but acting casual): Gee! I could use a conceptual detective! Want a job??
Flushed
Face of Fong: (laughing)
Ruby:
Fat Chance
of Fong, huh??
“I felt sorry for him…but what the h**l, I gotta end the
story.” --Ruby
The
Colonel: No, no.
Everything has been taken care of. There is nothing you can do.
Ruby
(rummaging around in the background): Not quite…
The
Colonel: What??
What are you doing??
Ruby:
Looking for a
ball-peen hammer…
“(smashing the Colonel’s case with a hammer as she talks)
I know you’re not really in there…just an exact copy, right? (the
Colonel is squeaking “No, no, noo!” in the background) Your replication is
a little too exact! (laughing as she continues smashing the case)
You wanna know how I knew? When that joker smashed the case and you went
bouncing on the cobblestones…I said, ‘Hmm, he really did make an exact copy of
himself!’ I remember, a Class-7 Android has emotions (loud crash) – Can feel…pain…Right?”
--Ruby
Ruby 1:
“Listen, kid – answer…or I’ll short-circuit your
intestines.” -- Ruby
Angel
Lips: Ruby…A
tentacle…is reaching for you…
Ruby: Yeah…a tentacle – AWWK! (choking)
A tentacle – wraps around my face and (gasping) – drags me back through
a slit in the wall…”
“Hey, sucker! Suck on this! (fires)” --Ruby
“Hmmm...Wounded
it bad enough for the self-detonator to go off…a pleasant sound, exploding
Slimes…”--Ruby
“Hey Ruby, what’s that you’re wearing? It looks like plastic
tights…really…tight…” –Teru
“Ooooh, I’ll get that ball…” –Ruby, playing Cosmic
Pinball
“Oh, quit knocking humans, I’m sick of it!
Everyone in this d**n galaxy likes to poke fun at us. So, we’re stupid. But
we’re trying, okay?” --Ruby
Ruby
(slowing time as she talks): What about those people that don’t……..know……..what……to…do with
their lives? (fires) Hah…You know…..get bored? Cause……...(sets
blaster)…prob-……….lems? (fires again)
Monet: That is the main objection of a
workless society.
Ruby
(slowing time):
Right…….I…….know……(fires)
Ruby: Ha! (distant explosion)
You hear that? I got her!
Monet: Hmmm. She exploded.
Monet: You Earthlings fail to realize
that art and life is the same!
Ruby: Yeah, yeah…
Monet: Politics without aesthetics is
unthinkable! (blast and deafening explosion)
Ruby: Whew…
Monet: You aliens believe we are all
artists…
Ruby: Mmm-hmm.
Monet: All we do is think creatively (loud
crunch)…Even…
Ruby: OH, SHUT UP!!! (fires
blaster)
OnOffOn: We ought to check her teeth…
Ruby
(with jaws clenched): Uh-uh. I feel naked.
“If you think the present is moving fast, wait’ll you see
the future.” –Ruby
“I slip in…order a Devalinx Double…it’s supposed to restore
color to your cheeks. I forgot to ask what color of which
cheeks…” –Ruby
“I found the Tookah at a bar called The Thick Lip. Two of his tentacles
were hanging down, one was wrapped around a drink, the fourth one was wrapped
around a Frankie – full of microchips and ‘programmed for pleasure’ – His three
eyes looked a little glazed. The tentacles hanging down to the floor were
wiggling…either in drunken ecstasy – or searching for peanuts.” – Ruby
“Ruby…you are a little late…and I am a little drunk.” –The
Tookah
“He’s pretty quick…but how can he know that I can slow time…I
watch as his hand arcs down and pulls out a general, dynamic, stub-nosed
blaster. In one swift motion he has it up – (blaster sound and a strangled
scream) – I take his arm off before he can squeeze it. But that doesn’t
stop him, his detached arm spins around and – (blaster sound) – still
takes a shot at me. I leap over and stand on the wrist and pry the d**ned
blaster out of his webbed paw. I kick the blaster out the door into the street,
then I kick his arm out the door.” -- Ruby
“The Bleephole’s looking a little weak. Still pretty ticked.
I’ve insulted his MANhood! He’s taken a loss of face, not to mention one arm.” –Ruby
“I like shooting you
Slimies…I like to hear the sound of your detonators going off!” --Ruby
Teru: HOLD ON! Not so fast, Kapoor, I
got the drop on you!
Kapoor
(hysterical): I…I’m not safe!! If the Slimies catch me, they – EEEK!
Teru: They what, Kapoor?
Kapoor: EEEK!!
Teru: They “Eeeek…” Oh, look at the
size of that rat…
Kapooor: EEEEEEEEEEEK!!!
Teru: Whaddaya mean, “EEK??”
That rat looks a lot like you, Kapoor!
Kapoor: I…I will remember that, Teru!!
“It could
be that there are some higher forces at work…or…at play.”
–Ruby
OffOnOff: Oh, oh, oh, oh, look what I found!
Ruby: What?
OffOnOff: The Male room!
Ruby: Yeah. So?
OffOnOff: It is filled with male
androids!
Ruby: Yeah?
OffOnOff: There are at least fifty!
Ruby: So?
OffOnOff: And they’re all…nude.
Ruby
(after a short pause): I gotta see this.
“This
series was produced (screaming) BY ZBS FOUNDATIONS WHICH IS SOLELY RESPONSIBLE
FOR ITS CONTENT, IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!!” –Teru, the credits
“Ruby was
written byyyy…Meatball Fulton, who also says – daily – his mantra is (very
quickly): It’s-not-my-fault, it’s-not-my-fault, it’s-not-my-fault, -- ah,
likely story! WE KNOW, WACKO!!!” –Teru, credits
“And anyway…I – uh – well – um – I – I lost my place – Ha ha
ha…well I don’t know, cut it out… Well I – um – uh – I dunno…(starts
flapping his lips) – bblbeh-blbeh-blbeh-blbeh…uh…oh – (proceeds with the
credits)” –Teru, reading the credits
Ruby 2:
Teru: Ruby, this is Teru!
Ruby
2 (sounding tired): Oh…right. (yawns)
Teru: Oh, nice teeth!
Ruby
2: What’s up?
Teru: What’s up? The stars,
the moons, the sun, the planets…
Ruby
2: Oh great.
Good night.
Teru: Good night…Hey, wait a minute!!
“And/Or, one thing my mother taught me: Don’t let anybody
drill a hole in your head.” –Ruby 2
Ruby
(over the sound of several blasters going off): Get down! Slimies!
Mother
Kapoor: What!!?
Eeeee!!!
Ruby
(blasting the slimies): EAT IT, SLIMIES!!!
Mother
Kapoor (simultaneously): I HATE slimes!! You slimes SCOOT! GET OUTTA HERE!!!
Ruby: Get DOWN, My G*d (more
blasting)!!
Mother
Kapoor: Oh!
They’re knocking the stuffing off of my furniture – oh, gimmie one of those
things!
Ruby
(handing her a blaster): Here. Be careful.
Mother
Kapoor: Which
end does the fire come out of?
Ruby: Point it that way.
Mother
Kapoor:
Yeah…how did you say that? “EAT IT, SLIMIES!?”(blasting the slimies again)
Ruby: Yeah, suck on this, suckers!!!
“Oh, And/Or, you sheik, you! You’ve got a
crush on Ruby 2 – Oh G*D!!! I can’t believe it…(laughing)” –
Ruby 1
“Do you know what it’s like…being in love with a detective?
She’ll come home all sweaty and smelly from having blasted slimies all day.
Sometimes she’ll take a hit, have to replace a few parts…a limb here, an organ
there…until half her body is made up of plastic or dead people’ parts…at night
she’ll sleep with a blaster beside her pillow because she’s operating in a
constant state of paranoia, she’ll never totally trust anyone, now even
YOU…She’ll be gone for weeks…months. All the Rubys are warriors, And/Or, it’s
what we were trained to do. And we’re good at it. And we kill when we have to.
And we’re getting older…and sometimes…scared.” –Ruby 1
And/Or: Geez, Ruby…I never realized…I…I’m sorry…
Ruby (laughing hysterically): AAAH-HAH-HAH!! – A crush – on Ruby 2 – Oh gosh,
this was worth the trip, this – (laughing uncontrollably as she walks off)
– oh…hah, see you round next time…if there is one! Hah hah hah…
And/Or (growling angrily): Rrrrrrrrghyouuuuuu…..
“I was in
an in-between…stepping on disks, sort of floating around in the ether…or
either…or ethereal something.” –Ruby 2
“And
NOW…What you’ve all been waiting foooooor…what you’ve been waiting for years
and years fooooor…what you’ve been listening with your EARS
fooooor…no, it isn’t LUNCH! IT’S THE CREDITS!! (Music starts playing)
Aaaahh, c’mon, c’mon, lemme hear it for the credits! C’mon…” –Teru, during
the credits
Ruby 3:
Man
Ray: But there
are humans who can step out of time…
Ruby: With their boots on?
Man
Ray (after a pause): They know how to suspend time.
Ruby: Really? What are they?
Man
Ray (after a pause): The Time Suspenders.
Ruby: Time….Suspenders? That sounds
like something to hold my pants up.
Man
Ray: Well, they
do believe in time as having a certain degree of elasticity…
Ruby: Well, maybe they’re snappy
dressers.
Ruby: They say the place is filled
with suckholes…
Inanna: Suckholes?
Ruby: Yeah, and inside the holes there’s
these funny little creatures with tentacles that…well, you don’t wanna step on
them.
Teru: Who’s your lovely friend?
Innana: Inanna.
Teru: Inanna? That’s it? Just Inanna?
Innana: Banana.
Teru: Innana-Banana?
Inanna
(laughing): No, just Inanna.
Teru: It’s old Beeteleybooz.
Inanna:
Wha? What?
Teru: Beeteleybooz, one of the most ancient dialects there
is, derived from the even more ancient Beeteleydeedeedeley-Bum-Bum-Bum!
Inanna: Beetelydedeedely-Bum-Bum…
Teru: -Bum!
“When we build something it’s all squares and right angles.
When Nature builds it’s all circles and wavy lines.” –Ruby
“Sooooo…that’s why they’ve been trying to kill me.” --
Ruby
“Yeah, we had our little run-in at Magnifico, City of Malls.
Now the Scuds are out looking for me. Could be worse. They could find me.” --
Ruby
Teru: Okay! TEN….NINE…EIGHT…
Ruby: Wait!
Teru: EIGHT…
Ruby: WAIT! Is he one of your men?
Teru: Why…why sure. Now where were
we?
Worker: Eight…
Teru: Right! EIGHT…SEVEN…SIX…
Ruby: What’s his name?
Teru: Well…he’s just some worker, now where were we?
Worker: Six…
Teru: Right! SIX…FIVE…FOUR…
Ruby: You checked him out?
Teru: FOUR…for what??
Ruby: I’ve seen him before…
Teru: BeFORE?
Worker: Four…
Teru: Right! FOUR…THREE…TWO…
Ruby: He’s a spy, Teru!!
Teru: Teru…TWO…ONE – WHAT???
Ruby: He’s a Scud!
Teru: What??
Ruby: A Scud, a Scuzzie! (to the
worker) HEY! What’s your name?
Worker: Zeeeer-oooo…
Teru: You name is zeeeer –
Ruby: NO, don’t say it, Teru!
Teru: Ready?
Worker: Ready!
Teru: Exciting, huh?
Ruby: Just blow the door, Teru…
Teru: Right! TEN…
Worker: Ten…
Teru: NINE…
Worker: Nine…
Teru: EIGHT…
Ruby: ONE! (deafening explosion)
The
Big Scuzz:
Look, they blew away Snot-Face…
Toad-Face: Snot-Face??
The
Big Scuzz: They
picked off Scab-Nose…
Toad-Face
(surprised): Scab-Nose??
The
Big Scuzz: And
that gumshoe, she rubbed out Eraser-Face…
Toad-Face: Eraser-Face!?
The
Big Scuzz: And
she peeled Banana-Nose!
Toad-Face
(in tears): Banana-Nooooose…
“Can we
blow it up?” – Ruby, observing the synthetic-organic veins of the mall
“It was all predictable. His fist came for my face…I slowed
it down…slid under him…picked him up…sent him sailing…” –Ruby
Ruby
(distraught): Oh…gaaaaawd…
Bartender: You okay?
Ruby: I feel…….GREAT. (almost in
tears) Maybe I’ll go blast a few Snouts!
Kapoor: Big Snout! Big
Snout!!
Ruby: Yeaaah (blasts the Snout)! I’ve been
wanting to blast a Snout! (sound of another Snout snorting)
Kapoor: Ruby…the walls…
Ruby: Yep…c’mon, Kapoor,
let’s get outta here…(sound of another Snout snorting)
Kapoor: Bigger Snout! Bigger Snout!!
Ruby: Yeaaah (blasts this snout
too, sound of walls caving in)!
Kapoor: The tubes! The tunnel…the…(more
crumbling sounds and more snout sounds) EEEEEEE!!! BIGGEST SNOUT!! BIGGEST
SNOUT!!!
Ruby: Biggest Snout, huh!?! (blasts
again) Blast ‘em all and let the two-faced god sort ‘em out!
Ruby 4:
“Hello!
May I help (recognizing Ruby) AAACK – Yoooouu!” –Kapoor
Teru: Yeah, “When I hits ze human, ‘ee gets ze lunk!”
Francois: Like zees? (hits Teru)
Teru: Ow! Hey! You can’t do that! Didn’t they teach you the
First Law of Robotics??
Francois: You mean, “Thou shalt not lunk ze human?”
Teru: Yes!
Francois: Oh, I forget.
“I should
have crushed a few ribs, but instead I almost shattered my leg. I would’ve
liked to kick him somewhere else…but I didn’t know where he kept them.” –
Ruby
Kapoor (nervous): Will you protect me??
Ruby: HAH!
Kapoor: But…but…help…HEEEEELLL – (Ruby hits him) OW! (gasps
with realization) You promised, Ruby!
Ruby: Oh! I forgot…
Kapoor: You’re forgiven.
Ruby: Oh boy…
And/Or: Well, do you ever talk to God?
Ruby: Well…yeah, sometimes…
And/Or: Does he answer?
Ruby: Does she answer? No, not really.
“Ruby,
this is the future! Most of the time nothing works! So if something works some
of the time, that’s something.” –And/Or (submitted by Inky)
“Is it
nuts calling a nut nuts?” –Nikola Tesla
E. Gad (bursting into tears): How do I know where she is???
Teru: Your wife?
E. Gad: My sister! She’s one third reptoid and two thirds human…
Teru: Boy, she must be beautiful!
E. Gad: I wouldn’t know…I haven’t seen her since the day they
separated us…
Teru: What was her name:
E. Gad: ….Ruby!
Teru (leaping out of his
seat, terrified): RUBY?!?
E. Gad (suddenly snickering): GOTCHA!!!
“Leave
her alone before she hurts someone! That’s Ruby, you stupid
punks! She’s a walking arsenal!!” –Toots Mutant
Toots: Well, for a Gumshoe, and a Galactic class at that, you’re
pretty dumb!
Ruby (very casually): Not so dumb. I’m smart enough to talk to someone
who knows.
“I woke
up to find myself staring at two big, green, scaly feet. I made the mistake –
of blinking.” –Ruby
“I was
joyfully roaring down the street, sending drunks scattering, when a Reppie
patrol vehicle slid to a stop, blocking the intersection – (yelling) Hey!
Guys! You don’t wanna park there! – They dove out the doors as I drove
right over them (loud crunching sound). I love being a bad-a**…” –Ruby,
escaping the Reptoid planet
Ruby (banging on the door): It’s Ruby! Open up!
The Mino Loonga (from other
side): You are too late!
Ruby: No I’m not (blasts door open)!!
“Excuse
me while I place a bar across that door. As I said, the boogeymen are coming.” –Ruby
“Hey
Reppies! Konga’za kotz! In other words, get outta here, this thing’s
gonna blow!” –Ruby
“’What-but-but-but?’
What kind of engine is that? ‘A-but-but-but-what?’” –Nikola Tesla
“Okay…don’t
panic, just do what you always do when you’re trapped…blast your way out!”
–Ruby
E. Gad: Doesn’t he know the First Law of Robotics?!?
Francois: You mean, “Thou shalt not bite ze ‘uman?”
E. Gad: YES!
Francois: But…you are not ‘uman!
Ruby 5:
Toots: Ruby, what are you doing??
Ruby: Saving your skull!
Toots: I’m not finished with
these sailors…
Ruby: He was about to bash your brains
in, Toots!
Toots: So?
Ruby: So, how can you talk to
me with a cracked skull?
Toots: That’s your problem!
Push “Play,” dammit!
“He
staggered back and I kicked him in the stomach – (crash and a high-pitched
yelp) – or thereabouts…” –Ruby
“What?!?
The punks were dancing? Doing the robo-boogie…” –Ruby
Ruby: While I was distracted, a punk had clamped onto my neck
with a vice grip – (strangled) He opened his mouth and stuck out
his tongue – (loud whirring sound) he had a buzz-saw blade at the end!!!
Punk: Hee hee…wanna…French kiss? Heh heh heh…
Ruby: You robo-punks are sick!!!!!
Ruby: I flipped the b**tard over the bar…
Punk (flying through the
air): Wooooaaah – you’re good – (crashes behind the bar)
“Nuffed
by a big hairy teddy, what a way to go…” –Teru, pursued by the Terminator
Teddy Bears
Ruby: Yeah…what does she do with her butt?
Teru: Her butt?
Ruby: Yeah, does she just toss it or what?
Teru: Toss it?
Ruby: Yeah, when the two of you are through smoking!
Teru: Well, I guess you could say that…
Ruby: Well, what does she do with it?
Teru: Why she…takes it with her.
Ruby: I’m talking about a used butt!
Teru: So’m I…
Ruby: Her CIGAR butt!!
Teru: Oh.
Teru: Angel has the most beautiful tongue…
Ruby: (Sighing)
Teru: Ruby, if you could only imagine the things she could do
with her amazing tongue…
Ruby (at the same time):
I don’t wanna imagine…
Teru: When she sticks out her tongue…oh boy, well she can just
wrap it around…
Ruby (at the same time): Look…hey! Hey! If you don’t stop yapping I’m gonna (grabs
hold of Teru’s tongue) yank –– yours – OUT to the length of
my arm!
“Tomorrow,
I said. Tomorrow. Your Nipples will be up and running tomorrow.” –Mr. Foo
Foo
Ruby 6:
Teru: Do you trust him, Ruby?
Ruby: I never trust anyone
who hires me.
Kapoor: But I hired
you once. (long pause) Oh. I see.
And/Or: We’ll have to create
something just for you, Ruby.
Teru: Yeah, but we’ll have to
figure out what Ruby can do…
Kapoor: She can blast
people!
Ruby: So what do we call this
game?
Kapoor: I know! “Death to
Ruby!” (Ruby hits him) OW!
“Hit the great Ruby
on the head?” –Kapoor
“I see an awful lot of
Angel, but where’s the suit?” –Ruby
“Listen, I don’t care if
it’s skin-tight, I just want it to cover some skin. Got it?” –Ruby
“Yes, Ruby, and that’s the
way it is with desires, they always come with a bug in ‘em.” –Teru
“There was the usual small
talk, questions about Old Earth, where we came from. Monkeys, I told them. That
seemed to explain a lot to them.” –Ruby
Boom Boom Bassoon: I heard
that humans tend to…
Ruby: …Level things. Yeah. We
do. Wherever we go, we see it, we level it.
Lady Bassoon: But why?
Ruby: I dunno, economics
efficiency, whatever.
Boom Boom Bassoon: Is it
efficient?
Ruby: Ultimately, no. Which
just makes us a little more crazy.
Lady Bassoon: Then why do you
do it?
Ruby: Human beings are nuts.
Boom Boom Bassoon: Not
really?
Ruby: Most of us, sure, yeah.
Lady Bassoon: Are you
serious, Ruby?
Ruby: I’m one of them. I
should know.
“I like human
beings…but that doesn’t mean I trust them.” –Ruby
“It was a big,
round, rubbery ball, like a translucent bubble, and it was merrily bouncing
this way. It looked like it wanted to play, but I didn’t! (fires
blaster)” –Ruby
“God, technology can be so
disgusting!” –Ruby
“I will squash you,
Mister Puffy!” –Kapoor
Oop Boop: What are you doing?
Ruby: I’m going to shoot your
feet off, one by one.
Oop Boop: You can’t do that!
Ruby: Aw, come on, you’ve four,
you only need one or two, right? (fires blaster)
Oop Boop: AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Ruby: Ah shoot, I missed.
Kapoor: Will this be called
Ruby 7?
Teru: No, maybe just…6.1.
Kapoor: Ruby 6.1??
Teru: Maybe…we’ll see...